Mining Zcash can be profitable, however, it can be difficult to calculate exactly how much money you're going to make. We've built this calculator to help you work it all out easily. It's designed to work wether you're using your own mining rig at home or you've opted for a cloud mining service. If you've picked a cloud mining service, input your initial contract fee, any maintenance fees there may be, along with any pool fees. A simple and extremely accurate Bitcoin mining calculator with instructions on how to calculate Bitcoin mining profits for beginners. Bitcoin Calculator allows to convert an amount to and from bitcoin and your preferred world currencies, with conversions based on the Bitcoin Price Index. Sep 24, 2017 Zcash Mining On Cpu - Bitcoin Cloud Calculator bitcoins and different altcoins mining here: Discount Code NVqi5O the. Find out if it's profitable to mine Bitcoin. ZCash DigiByte Ripple Toplists. How to Identify a Bitcoin or Ethereum Cloud Mining Scam? If you're using your own rig, input your power costs in kw per hour (you can find this on an electricity bill or averages in your area can be found online if you're unsure) and hardware costs. The results are estimated below. It will show your profit in four sections; daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. This is based on the difficulty level of Zcash, as well as the exchange rate and price of ZEC to USD. We will also show you the time, in days, it will take for you to break even, taking into account your initial contract fee for cloud mining or your hardware costs for your own rig.
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The highest paying Bitcoin mining pool and cloud mining provider on the market. Crypto exchanges. Mining Calculators. Bitcoin (BTC). Feb 09, 2015 Crypto Miner (BTC,LTC,X11,XMR) 1,481. - LTC and scrypt based coins. Hashflare - Cloud Mining. Let us mine for you with our hardware in the cloud - Immediate results, mining updates every 60 seconds - Can own fractions of cloud instances, if desired - No heat or hardware to maintain - Choose payout in any displayed cryptocurrency - 5 year and 24 hour rental lengths available - No returns/exchanges - (Cloud SHA-256) SHA-256 algorithm, 1.0 GHS per 1.0 cloud instance owned - (Cloud SHA-256) Follows Bitcoin difficulty, which in the past has increased exponentially. This means payouts will likely be reduced over time, unless the price of Bitcoin rises to keep pace - (Cloud Scrypt) Scrypt algorithm, 1.0 MHS per 1.0 cloud instance owned - (Cloud Scrypt) Follows Litecoin difficulty, which in the past has increased exponentially. This means payouts will likely be reduced over time, unless the price of Litecoin rises to keep pace - For electricity and maintenance, we take a fee. Please on the fee. Cloud Mining Inventory SHA-256 5 Year Contracts Sold SHA-256 Available Total Supply Sold Out Ratio Fee 962 THS 4.0 8488 THS 4.0 113.2% 31% Cloud Mining Calculator Number of GHS 4.0 (SHA-256) Number of GHS 3.0 (SHA-256) Cryptocurrency Estimated Mining Payouts* $0 $0 Daily: 0.00000000 BTC Monthly: 0.00000000 BTC Examples for Cloud SHA-256 4.0 instance. *Cloud mining should be considered as a fun, recreational activity and not a source of income or investment. The above numbers reflect no difficulty increase. Investing involves risk, including possible loss of principal. In addition to the normal risks associated with investing and mining, cryptocurrency mining investments and related instruments may involve risk of capital loss from unfavorable fluctuation in cryptocurrency values, exchange-related risks, policy risks, liquidity, and market price fluctuation and demand. The strategies discussed are strictly for illustrative and educational purposes and should not be construed as a recommendation to purchase. There is no guarantee that any strategies discussed will be effective. The information provided is not intended to be a complete analysis of every material fact respecting any strategy. The examples presented do not take into consideration commissions, tax implications, or other transactions costs, which may significantly affect the economic consequences of a given strategy. Find out if it's profitable to mine Bitcoin. ZCash DigiByte Ripple Toplists. How to Identify a Bitcoin or Ethereum Cloud Mining Scam? Bitcoin Cloud Mining Calculator - Zcash Solo Mining Promo Contracts hash-flare. News, information, and discussions about cryptocurrencies, blockchains. Despite the controversy that trailed its release, and it being considered as a risky investment, has just announced that has entered the list of its mining contracts. Though some exchanges have put the first permissionless decentralized cryptocurrency that allows users to completely hide not only the value of their transactions, but also their identity to trade on their platforms. However, while a few cloud mining sites agreed to offer mining services for the currency, the best way to acquire the new currency is by mining until enough tokens become available on exchanges. Mining ZCash According to BitClub’s Joby Weeks, Zcash has been one of the most anticipated projects in the digital currency industry in the past year. He says to Cointelegraph: “They have assembled a dream team of top cryptographers and security experts who came together to build the most secure and private Blockchain imaginable.” Hashflare in its announcement says: “While many consider Zcash a censorship-free solution to Bitcoin publicity issues, we are also evaluating it as another crypto-investment mining possibility.” Currently, the annual ROI of Zcash mining equals 200%, and we are ready to launch the presale of mining contracts for $4.20 per 0.1 H/s. The launch of mining will occur before 21.11.16, however, the total amount of hardware for Zcash mining is limited. Each contract will last for 1 year (from activation) and will not have any additional fees. Genesis Mining and Toomim Brothers have offered similar and limited number of varying contracts too. A word of caution When asked if he considers ‘cautious’ as the best word of advice for anyone seeking to get involved in ZCash, Weeks said: “Yes. There are bugs to work out still. That’s why they had a slow start for the first 34 days. Instead of buying Zcash coins, I have been buying mining hardware to mine the coin. If the coin goes bust, I can point the power back over to mine ETH or whatever else.” But he doesn’t think the coin is likely ‘go bust’ because, “The smartest minds in the crypto space are working on the project.” A Fintech consultant,, noted on his Twitter page that Zcash is an experiment and experiments frequently don’t produce the expected or hoped-for an outcome. He stressed on the watchword: Caution. One of his tweets says: “There's a lot of hype and excitement about Zcash, but also, major risks. The New crypto could prove susceptible to as-yet-undreamed-of attacks.” Hashflare shares a similar view. Its states: “We consider Zcash a high-risk high-reward investment solution and recommend you to look through the idea, team, and technical aspects of the cryptocurrency on the Zcash official website.” Follow us. 'Proven Record We've worked with a number of members of the cryptocurrency community. From large off-market orders to mining agreements we've held true every commitment made.' Who can vouch for you? At the linkedin profiles you gave, none of those persons said they work at zeropond, how do we even know if your identities are those you claim to be? This citation: _'I definitely consider Tim and his team a trust worthy party they _ _always delivered everything agreed. Payments were made very prompt I _ _consider cooperation with Tim as one of most productive deals I've made _ with people from cryptocurrency community.' ' @yvg1900, author of Yam Miner I searched that and the only match it has is from your own website. No matches from any crypto related forum. Can only that person vouch for you? What about others who vouched for you, in public? Most cloud mining are scams. Beware everyone. Are you going to assist your users in combining efforts to initiate the time warp attack that Zcash seems forced to allow? I'm not being sarcastic. I mean, if we're going to see 10 of these attacks per day taking 50% of the coins, we might as well know who's doing it. It's actually everyone's moral duty to try to exploit this bitcoin bug so that for every independent operator exploiting it, it actually reduces how much they can exploit and reduces the harm done to independent miners. The way it was done in alpha was this: timestamp a block you've solved 1 hour ahead. Now mine like crazy (2x or 3x network hashrate) for 17 blocks and timestamp them 30 minute to 1 hr behind your time-ahead block. Watch the difficulty FALL. Then mine about 17 more block until the difficulty is back to where it was when you started. You get 34 coins in maybe 30 minutes, over twice normal rate and at 1/3 to 1/5 the difficulty you should be paying. GPUs may only need to load 10 threads in 8 GB of onboard RAM and run the same sorting routine as CPUs on 10 different GPU cores and be 20x faster than a 4-core CPU operating at 1/8 the RAM bandwidth. I only do not know how GPU cores are. Is the 1.3 GHz GPU core a 384 bit bus internally? 20x at the same price point on day 1 will not surprise me. The Equihash paper was only talking about a single set of keys. Its 4x limit discussion is not relevant to Zcash's 'small' 750 MB sets of keys when you have 8 GB of on board GPU RAM for $300. They were having to load and unload their small GPU RAM from off-board RAM. Calculate the profit from mining Ethereum, Litecoin and CryptoNote-based currencies (Bytecoin, Monero, DigitalNote, FantomCoin, QuazarCoin, MonetaVerde, Aeon coin, Dashcoin, Infinium-8) on MinerGate. Please note that it is an estimated amount of cryptocoins you can get. The calculations are based on the current pool fee, 0% bad shares and doesn't account for orphan blocks or uncles. Your profit depends on network difficulty, block reward, transactions amount and fee. The calculations of your cloud mining profitability are based on last 10 days performance (rolling frame). Exchange rates are provided. Calculation is based on the following formulas: For Ethereum: Reward = ((hashrate * block_reward) / current_difficulty) * (1 - pool_fee) * 3600 For CryptoNote-based currencies (Bytecoin, Monero, Quazarcoin, DigitalNote, etc.): Reward = ((hashrate * block_reward) / current_difficulty) * (1 - pool_fee) * 3600 For Litecoin: Reward = ((hashrate * block_reward) / (current_difficulty * 2^32)) * (1 - pool_fee) * 3600. Miningpools.cloud is a mining pool for different coins. You can mine with your CPUs and GPUs Komodo, Hush, Zcash, Zencash. Zcash Forum is the official Zcash community message board. Aug 12, 2017 (1 TH/s Genesis Mining Upgrade) - Duration: 5:32. Legitimate Bitcoin Cloud Mining - 1 Zcash To Inr - Duration. Bitcoin Cloud Profit Calculator. Genesis Mining's Zcash contracts are back in stock! Get yours right now and get starting mining without having anything to setup. Get a 3% discount with the promo. Nov 29, 2017 cloud mining zcash cloud mining. Hashflare Cloud Mining - I have Earn Rs 24500. Mining Day 55 update review payout calculator! - Duration: 15:32. Jaxx Blockchain Interface & Wallet Philosophy: 1. We never access or hold onto user funds. We offer a client-side security model, with private keys hosted locally and never sent to any servers. IDrive decided to give Bitcoin mining. Why does iDrive not take Bitcoin. Even we cannot access the data providing a level of protection not found at other cloud. Welcome to The Constructed Language| www.constructedlanguage.men. Nov 26, 2017 university of arkansas. Net coin faucet. Biggest bitcoin miner 2018 bitcoin mining calculator south africa btc to eth history what is the. We are design-oriented, offering simple, attractive user interfaces and experiences. We use standards that ensure should we ever go down or cease to exist, your keys can be imported into another service. We remove friction points whenever possible. We never require users to input any personal information including email addresses. With a focus on unifying the look and feel across devices and focusing on customer service, security, design, and user experience, our goal is to make the Jaxx Blockchain Interface & Wallet the default wallet of choice for the masses. *** Details: – Jaxx Blockchain Wallet mod apk for Android – Mod for Version: 1.3.7 – Android Version: 4.4 and up – Test Jaxx Blockchain Wallet apk mod free by clicking the button given below. – Game type: Finance – Category: Android Games – Rating: 3.1 – Game Title: Jaxx Blockchain Wallet – Downloads: 100000 – 500000 – File Type: apk – Release Date: November 14, 2017 – Seller: Decentral – Size: undefined – Price: free. Jaxx Blockchain Wallet Mod Download: Download the game directly from Google Playstore or simply get the mod from free mirrors: No Mod Yet. • • 2017-04-15 • Last updated on 15th, at You also do not need to manage clunky command line miners with manual instructions. • Mist also includes an Ethereum browser with various functions, such as messaging and a social network and tutorials. • If done properly, more money is earned by selling mined ETH than is spent on electricity. • That have calculator eth cloud architecture mining Explorer command Based on user reports they appear to have halted payouts. Mine bitcoin through the cloud, get started today! Mining Calculator Bitcoin. Minera - Web dashboard and monitor system for bitcoin. (ETH) Mining Calculator. HashFlare Mining BTC ETH DASH. 40 likes 3 talking about this. Cloud mining gives people a unique. Use our easy investement calculator to estimate your. For purposes of this guide, we are going to do a detailed walk-through of setting up cloud mining calculator eth explorer using the very popular Claymore Miner. The whole process of getting a wallet setup, downloading your miner, configuring things in Windows and setting up your batch file to run should take less than 10 minutes: If done properly, more money is earned by selling mined ETH than is spent on electricity. Eth explorer mining calculator cloud idea You can check out the profitability with our Ethereum mining calculator. AMD cards tend to edge out similarly-priced NVidia cards in terms of efficiency. Why point your GPU towards a mining pool as opposed to solo-mining? Unless you expplorer a fortune into mining hardware, your odds of generating ETH on your own are low. Pool-mining allow you to earn ETH in a regular and predictable way. How do I get started with mining Ethereum? What miner should be used to easily mine ETH? Previous versions of this guide referenced an old ety AlethOne that is no longer in use — please see Step X where we discuss using the Claymore Miner. What are the OS requirements for mining? There are also various distros of Linux that can be used not covered here. Resolve calculator eth cloud mining explorer report But Windows is the easiest to configure and get up and running fast. There is no Mac version at this time. You can use any ETH wallet address for mining, but some exchanges do not allow mining calculatog do not allow very small deposits so double check with the site if mining directly to a web-deposit address. There could be a very lengthy post on all the hardware requirements and cloud mining, but to cover the important things at a high level, valculator are some primary considerations: If rxplorer your rig remotely not covered here in this beginner guide you will want to get a headless hdmi dummy cqlculator to plug into your rig so it boots into Windows properly for remote access. What are the other options for mining Ethereum like with specialized ASIC hardware, gaming laptops, or Virtualized environments? Virtualized environments that you can rent usually do not have enough powerful dedicated GPU in them, or are simply not profitable if they do. Even though there are a few that have been around a long time, there have been no 3rd party audits of the hashing power sold and profits are usually very low unless you are promoting heavily and getting others to join in another red flag of ponzi related activity. Here are some good reasons to mine Ethereum: Mining can be a great way to subsidize the purchase of a new, high end GPU or two or three. Mmining can be easily sold for cash so, indirectly, mining ETH can be a good way to fill eth explorer your bank account or earn cash. Mining can be a cheap entry ticket to the Ethereum cloud mining calculator eth explorer, loved by traders for their high volatility. Some of the above terms in bold probably require further clarification for cryptocurrency newcomers. Ethereum Blockchain Basics All transactions in Ethereum and cloud mining calculator eth explorer cryptocurrencies are encapsulated within discrete blocks. These blocks are comparable to the batches of transactions which banks send to each other, except in Ethereum they occur every 15 seconds on average. Miners listen for transactions ethh the network and amass all they consider valid in terms of fees, code and the accounting history of who controls which coins into blocks. Miners expend electricity hashing that block with the processing power of their GPU s. A successful hash result caculator produce a unique Proof of Work PoW proving that the miner worked on that block. To skip this and get going much faster, jump down to Step 5 and create a wallet using MyEtherWallet instead. Below is a list of Ethereum blockchain explorers that you might want to try out and see which one works best for you and has all of the information that you may need from such a service: But where others calcultor a closed cloud mining ltc there is also an opportunity. Mining can be a cheap entry ticket to the Ethereum markets, loved by traders for their high volatility. Why point your GPU cloud mining calculator eth explorer a mining pool as opposed to solo-mining? To download Mist, head over to https: While GPUs may be set to mining other coins and their costs partially recouped through ehh, GPUs depreciate rapidly. Enter hashrate data for responsive chart! If the rest of the network accepts the hashed block as valid, the block becomes part of the permanent consensus on valid transactions, known as the blockchain. The miner receives 5 ETH plus all transaction and code-processing fees aka gas contained in their block, plus a possible bonus for any uncles they include. Instead, Ethash is deliberately best-suited to GPU-mining. Only explorer eth cloud calculator mining signature script Hashrate, Difficulty cloud mining calculator eth explorer Price Total network hashrate has been climbing rapidly since Q2 A dip occurred on news of the DAO crisis but hashrate has since recovered. Things were relatively quiet until around Q2 where everything Crypto related absolutely boomed, especially Ethereum as it facilitated a wave of new projects and ICO activity. This chart from Etherscan tells the story: The answer is Difficulty. The next obvious question is why hashrate and difficulty have been rising in the first place? What an amazing bull run! Second, copy these figures into the Cryptowizzard Mining Calculatora more sophisticated calculator which allows you to set your electricity costs, which are critical to determining profitability. So, we copy those over: Third, select the Graphics card you intend to use for mining. The calculator automatically enters the correct hashrate and power consumption. The fourth and final step is to enter your electricity price, as shown on your utility bill or this list for the USA or this list for elsewhere. The results will be displayed below: These figures will change based on when you run this analysis, but minimg purposes of the example here we would net ETH annually. An electrically-efficient PSU costs more but saves on power costs over the long term. Further, Ethereum is scheduled to switch to a Proof of Stake model at some unspecified date, meaning it will no longer be mineable. While GPUs may be set to mining other coins and their costs partially recouped through resale, depreciate rapidly. This is especially true of cards put to the constant, intensive work of mining. Cloud mining calculator eth explorer It has become the new standard in Ethereum mining and with the huge price explosion the demand for these cards have far outpaced supply and created an extreme GPU shortage, ety in much higher GPU prices. Head over to amd. R9 and older — use To get the latest Nvidia GeForce drivers go to https: To skip this and get going much faster, jump down to Step 5 and create a wallet using MyEtherWallet instead. Mist also includes an Ethereum browser with various functions, such as messaging and a social network and tutorials. As a tip, these tutorials and the social network are helpful learning resources. To download Mist, head over to https: You can choose Mist or the standalone Ethereum Wallet. Extract it with a suitable file extraction tool, navigate to the new folder the extractor creates and then locate and run the Ethereum app. Get the Blockchain The next step is to hurry up and wait, as the Ethereum blockchain downloads falculator syncs. Setup your Wallet Next, open the Ethereum wallet mininng generate a new account and contract based calculato. Store the password securely! A Note on Geth Mist also mlning Geth, a popular command line interface. As you become more proficient in Ethereum mining and coding, Geth will become more useful to you, but for now this is not recommended as the easiest path to getting started with Ethereum mining. Install a Wallet from MyEtherWallet. Please beware of phishing websites. Do not cloud mining calculator eth explorer your key on a website you clod at by clicking a link. Always triple-check the domain. Save your Private Key provided. Save it to a separate notepad text file and save it on your Desktop for easy access Note: Coins sent to this address can be sent from MyEtherWallet to any other Ethereum caldulator on an Exchange for example, to convert to Bitcoin, cash, etc. The current version as of the time of this writing is 9. He is a well-respected developer who has been building crypto miners for many years. Once downloaded, Extract exporer folder to your Desktop for easy access. Next you want to modify your system page file and manually set it to MB this is 16GB. To minimize the disruptions cloud mining calculator eth explorer your mining and settings you may want to also disable Windows Updates. Your first step will be to choose an Ethereum mining pool. The home page or help section of a mining pool site most likely contains instructions on how to mine on their pool using the popular Claymore miner. Directly on the home page of Ethermine. We have been playing around and testing the for a few days now and we are ready to share our first impressions from the device. First off it really works and works well with all of the six supported algorithms – X11, X13, X14, X15, Quark and Qubit. This is the first and only ASIC manufacturer (to our knowledge) to offer a dedicated ASIC miner supporting multiple algorithms (though they are not that different from each other). The device is able to deliver the promised hashrate of about 150 MHS in the different supported algorithms and does it with a low power usage also as promised in the specs. Furthermore thanks to the low power consumption is it really compact and nowhere near as noisy as we are used to get from ASIC miners lately, so the Baikal Mini Miner is actually great for a home crypto currency miner. We are going to be talking more about exact numbers as well as technical details in a future post about the Baikal Mini Miner. This post covers our initial impressions from the device after a few days of normal mining usage to confirm it is working stable and reliable and it does indeed do that. The build quality and the overall design is probably not the best out there, but it works well and apparently allows for easy stacking up of multiple devices as we’ve seen form the Baikal Quadruple Miner that essentially stacks for of these devices together. Everything about the device looks pretty impressive so far aside from the price, the device is being sold for about $500 USD or 56 DASH coins. So it seems a bit expensive, but it is not when you compare it to the competition in terms of X11 ASIC miners that are less power efficient for the hashrate they provide and end up costing you more for the same hashrate. Not to mention that they only support X11, while this one comes with support for 5 other algorithms, so it is more usable and offers support for significantly more crypto coins. The Baikal Mini Miner comes with its own mini computer unit similar to a Raspberry Pi that essentially controls the device, so there is no need to actually connect it to a computer for it to work. All you have to do is connect it to your Ethernet LAN network and then open up the web interface for control and monitoring of the device through a browser, the device uses DHCP to get an IP address on your network. The web interface is a modified version of Scripta mining distribution for Raspberry Pi. The default password for the web-interface is baikal and the username and password for the console login are also the same baikal and baikal respectively. You should be able to change them for security reasons of course, though be careful when you change them to note the new passwords for access. The Scripta mining distribution works stable and really well with the Baikal Miner, it is easy to configure and monitor the device with it. There is a temperature sensor available and it is being reported by the software, though you probably will not be interested much in it as the temperature of the miner is really low. The switching between the 6 supported mining algorithms is as easy as clicking a button after you configure mining pools for each of them of course. The software supports priority based failsafe switching between pools/algorithms. What it could really use however is some sort of automation for profitability based switching between the supported mining algorithms. Talking about profitability we cannot forget to do some calculation on the actual profitability of using the device as this is the factor that can be decisive in you choosing to get it or not. The Baikal Mini Miner does come with support for 6 mining algorithms, though not of them are really that popular and widely used. For example X11 is quite widespread, but there are already a lot of X11 ASIC miners on the market, yet it is still often the most profitable one to mine. Other such as X14 and X15 were never that popular, so unless there are some new coins coming out using them there are probably not that much worth mining (they use more power). Mining Quark and Qubit can also do you some good profit if you manage to catch something good. So for actual profit you will probably have to go looking for new coins or for trending ones and risk a bit more and mine them. If you decide to go the safer way and just sell your hasrate on a service such as NiceHash for example you will have a bit more stable and reliable profit in Bitcoin, but it might not be as high as if you can get by mining the right coins at the right time. Based on our experience using NiceHash with the Baikal Mini Miner we can say that you can expect to get something like 0.0034 BTC per day with the more profitable algorithms. That is like $2.08 USD a day, fortunately the power used by the device is really very little and the cost is not much, something like up to 1 kWh per day. So making let us say $2 USD per day and $60 USD per month it would take you more than 8 months to get enough to cover the cost of the miner. Not that much, but not that little time for the crypto currency world either, and that is only if the current conditions remain for the duration of the next 8 months. Of course you can also risk it and try to get more profit than using the more safer way, though in the end the result might be either better or worse. It is up to you to decide. Today we’ve received our Baikal Miner ASIC supporting X11, X13, X14, X15, Quark and Qubit algorithms and we can share some photos with you. Our first impressions from the device as well as results from testing and using it will be shared in the next couple of days when we get to play around with it and see how good it will work and if it manages to deliver what is being promised by the manufacturer. The miner is pretty compact in size and is a little less than 0.5 kilograms in terms of weight. It is well packaged, the build quality is good, though a bit strange in terms of design, and since there is not much weight there should be no trouble with the package, unless of course it gets seriously damaged during transportation. Our package has arrived in good condition and there seems to be no damage to the box that the miner was delivered into. It is important to know that you will only get the miner itself, there is no manual, power supply or any cables along with it, so the rest you need to provide yourself. There is no need for software as you plug directly the device into your network and control it via web interface. But the power supply is important, you need an adapter capable of outputting 12V at 5A with a 2.5mm barrel size (2.1mm won’t work). You can either use a dedicated power 12V supply or go for an adapter from molex to this type of barrel connector and use a regular computer PSU. You can find an online manual and additional support. That is it for now, stay tuned for more details very soon. Baikal Miner started with an interesting and now the company has just announced two new miners that support multiple algorithms. The new ASIC-based Baikal Mini Miner and Baikal Quadruple Miner offer support for X11, X13, X14, X15, Quark and Qubit algorithms with surprisingly good specifications. The Mini Miner is capable of providing users with 150 MHS hashrate in all of the 6 supported algorithms while the Quadruple Miner (essentially for of the smaller units) are capable of 4 times the hashing power or 600 MHS. Do note that the prices cited below are for the miners only, power supplies are not included and the shipping cost is not added. Copyright ©2014-2018 - - All About BTC, LTC, ETH mining as well as other alternative crypto currencies. This is a blog for crypto currency miners and users of Bitcoin (BTC), Litecoin (LTC), Ethereum (ETH), ZCash (ZEC) and many others. If you find helpful and useful information you can support us by donating altcoins or Bitcoin (BTC) to: 1AxbMZwtcmCByrHiaWwhse5r6ea1YgBwk1 ETH: 0x8d785ff337046444d8afbac169bcb7c0adfb3266 - LTC: LPYFPK7dL1uEtwrAteLmxs7w8Je446gAAJ - ZEC: t1gg5rWxeMBMsyDRMrq5PJdFLiWQ86LGggi. According to CNN on Sunday, the You - Tube personality had her videos removed, temporarily, as thousands of people weighed in on the outlandish accusations the You Tube personality made about people who are overweight. Not only is downloading super-fast with this product, it also supports downloading multiple videos at once and easily too. 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Give us a name, a classification and a brief explanation of how it works/what it does. Five runners up will win a signed copy of. Here are some examples of gadgets you might run into, or might run into you, if you work for the Laundry. (: continued below the fold.). Name: OFCUT (Occult Field Countermeasures Utility Toolkit) Classification: Mobile application - counter magic class Deployment: Usage recommended for field work by Laundry Agents for defence and offence against hostiles. Includes both preventative measures (Thaumometer: measuring magic in the area) and more extreme counter-measures (see ref: Scorpion stare) Magic being a side effect of computation, Laundry IT services have been working on portable invocation and exorcism equipment since the late 1970s (see ref: Osborne-1). In the 21st century, modern smartphones have become as powerful as 1990s supercomputers and replace the laptops and briefcase-sized portable computers of earlier days as a platform agents can use to run the OFCUT software suite. OFCUT has tools for sensing magical flux (thaum field strength), identifying active intrusions using the smartphone's various antennae and positioning sensors, and a handy database of known ghostly manifestations and extradimensional horrors to assist the agent in working out how fast they should run away. It also includes a secure email and messaging client, a remote access tool to allow Head Office to activate and control the phone's features remotely, and a voice chat tool so that the agent's last words can be captured for posterity. With additional bluetooth-controlled peripherals a proficient demonologist can use an OFCUT-equipped smartphone to summon and control the sort of things sane people prefer to avoid, and with an additional secondary camera module it can acquire SCORPION STARE capability. Name: Jesusphone Classification: Irresistibly shiny slab of preciousssss created in high security bunkers by a secretive cult-like corporation based in Silicon Valley. Sold around the world to millions of people who can't resist its Class 4 glamour. Believed by some to be merely a smartphone. Allegations that the sub-basement floor plan of JesusCorp's new billion-dollar donut-shaped headquarters in Cupertino is laid out as a vast summoning grid are under investigation, but JesusCorp's internal secrecy, enforced by the so-called Worldwide Loyalty Team, is harder to penetrate than the cold-war era KGB. Deployment: It's nearly impossible to keep employees from buying their own JesusPhones, so IT services finally bowed to the inevitable and started handing them out as official work equipment. At which point, JesusCorp's paranoid approach to security becomes an asset: running a native version of OFCUT the JesusPhone becomes a secure, reliable Swiss Army chainsaw for tackling occult intrusions in the wild--and without attracting undue attention, because they're ubiquitous. Name: Scorpion Stare Classification: Weapon: Medusa class Deployment: Basilisks and Medusas have been known of since antiquity: an observer-mediated quantum tunnelling effect causes a tiny fraction of the nuclei of carbon atoms in the target of the basilisk's gaze to be replaced by those of silicon atoms from a parallel universe, causing a sudden release of gamma radiation and heat. More recently, special-purpose electronic hardware has been developed that allows two or more suitably-connected high definition CCTV cameras to produce this effect. If you wonder why stereo/3D digital cameras are scarce on the market, this would be why: they're deadlier than hand grenades. The Laundry operates Scorpion Stare technology in various modes. On a national level, in time of emergency/invasion by Elder Gods, the national CCTV network can be turned into a look-to-kill grid. And at a personal level, an agent with a smartphone and a special secondary camera module is less conspicuous than an agent toting a sawn-off shotgun. But in practice relatively few problems can be solved satisfactorily by making heads literally explode, encouraging bored civil servants to run around thinking they're James Bond inevitably leads to tears before bed-time, and the failure modes are drastic and unforgiving (more than one employee has ended up the subject of a secret Coroner's Report after forgetting to remove their auxilliary camera module before taking a selfie in the bathroom mirror). Effects: People (and objects containing any amount of carbon--trees, grass, painted surfaces, small yappy dogs) bursting into flames, leaving characteristic remains that resemble the original object reincarnated as a cinder block. Vampires have been observed to sparkle in daylight (very briefly). Name:* HOG-3 (Hand of Glory) Classification: Unconventional weaponry level 2 Deployment: For centuries, it has been known among occult circles that the hand of a hanged felon, suitably pickled and inscribed, can be used for certain ritual purposes as a ghastly five-branched candle. While the fingers burn, according to legend, the bearer can be invisible, can enter any locked building, and can force their will upon others. Much of this is bunkum, but it is confirmed that someone holding such an artefact is very difficult to see. Prior to 1965 the Laundry maintained a discreet supply arrangement with the Home Office, but after the abolition of capital punishment in the UK supplies became scarce. Finally, a 1980s research project identified a suitable and plentifully available substitute--which is why so many of the pigeons in London's Trafalgar Square appear to only have one foot. The newly miniaturized HOG-3 burns for a duration of up to 120 seconds, during which time a person or vehicle connected to it can move unseen. This is, however, an emergency tool. Variant models:* HOG-1: Most powerful version, but extremely rare as no more are being produced. (It is believed that less than ten remain in storage.) Attempts to obtain replacement supplies from overseas fell foul of human rights legislation banning support for capital punishment. HOG-2: Made from an octopus. Unfortunate side-effects. HOG-3: Standard issue since 1989; ultra-compact, short duration invisibility device, manufactured using feral pigeons. No longer issued routinely due to incidents of employee abuse resulting in prosecution for stalking. Stockpile diminishing and not being replenished following discussions with the. Want to enter? Read the T&Cs, and if you're eligible, leave your entry in a comment below. (When the winners are announced I'll post an update blog entry telling the winners to get in touch so we know where to send the prizes.) Over to you! ADDITION TO TERMS AND CONDITIONS You can run variations on Scorpion Stare or basilisks all you like; they ain't gonna win. Similarly, OFFOG, TASP, and other clear steals from other SF authors (such as Eric Frank Russell or Larry Niven, in those two cases) will be disqualified. Oh, and I am fully aware of the SCP Wiki, and that's off-limits too. (If you want to win, it needs to be All Your Own Work.) And (you did read the terms and conditions, right?) this bears repeating: 'anyone aged 16 or over in the UK, Europe, Australia and New Zealand except employees of Little Brown Book Group, their families, or anyone professionally connected to the competition either themselves or through their families.' Non-UK/EU/Australasians are welcome to pitch in, but sorry, you're not eligible for the prizes. 1: Name: Addison Leecoy Classification: Urban Transport Deployment: As CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN intensifies, laundry agents must be able to quickly reach outbreaks in urban areas, whilst avoiding threats that remain invisible to the general public. Transport support was recently provided by police forces, however these services have been withdrawn following another round of austerity. The laundry have procured a fleet of second hand Ford Galaxies, in Addison Lee livery, complete with TFL stickers (in London). These allow laundry agents to quickly move around urban areas, swerve to avoid unseen targets, and park anywhere - all without raising suspicion. 2: Codename: RIFT OF OCULUS (ROO) Classification: Counter-Glamour/LTK weapon Deployment: Geases, glamours and the growing prevalence of the 'superpowered' represent a significant threat to the security of HM government and services. Of particular concern is the possibility of infiltration and corruption by enhanced individuals capable of charming organisation employees by altering their appearance and employee suggestability. The ROO system comprises of a full facial headset with front mounted camera and noise cancelling headphones. Security personnel issues with ROO are tasked with monitoring government premises, any unauthorised occult activity is overlaid in their visor and, where possible, neutered allowing true vision. Proprietary voice modulator technology embedded in the earphones minimises effectiveness of acoustic-based-dominance-geases. In addition to providing detection and countermeasures to hostile agents/entities using such methods ROO also provides offensive Look-To-Kill capabilities through SCORPION SCARE software and the front mounted camera. NOTE: Under no circumstances should an employee attempt to use a ROO for the purposes of VR Gaming. Accidental discharge of the LTK system can be seriously hazardous to nearby property and lives. 3: NAME SP - Submerged Playpen PSP - Permanent Submerged Playpen LCH - Large Continental Hole CLASSIFICATION Benthic Treaty / BLUE HADES / ELEMENTAL DANCE / OCCULUS DEPLOYMENT SP, PSP and LCH are summoning grids for confining ELEMENTAL DANCE to a small area of the south pacific seabed, near Pitt Island. SP, PSP and LCH were constructed by OCCULUS on behalf of BLUE HADES under the Benthic treaty, to replace BLUE HADES own BERMUDA STAR installation, which had become a hazzard to international shipping and attracted unwanted public interest. The cover story for these grids, an international particle physics research institute ('CERN') performing high energy physics experiments with underground particle accelerators, provides the necessary technical installations (lasers, cryogenics, vaccuum etc.) as well as a large population of scientists which LCH staff blend into. The grid laser doubles as 'Continuous laser ring geometry monitoring' for the particle accelerators, and have their own underground power supply and computing facilities. SP, a classic steerable summoning grid of 50m radius, were completed in 1960, and was used to move ELEMENTAL DANCE from BERMUDA STAR to the new location over a period of five years. Neither BLUE HADES nor OCCULUS had foreseen that the nutrition rich frigid waters in the southern oceans would cause a magnitude oELEMENTAL DANCE physical growth, stressing SP nearly to capacity, even with the gravity focusing assist of the final coordinates. PSP, designed to solve this problem, was completed in 1975, a 1.1 km radius subterran laser-based summoning grid, located 40m below the french/swiss border, using gravitational lensing to get a convergent node in the target zone. The other node of the grid is minimally focused and scans the heavens above, following the motion of the planet. Late in the SP period, as the power was turned up, it would occasionally impinge on the unexpected manned space exploration vehicles with deleterious effects (xref: MAJOR TOM INCIDENT). Unfortunately PSP was almost completed in 1975 when this issue was finally diagnosed, and being designed with only 10% overrange relative to the treaty requirement, it could not be turned off for more than three minutes during these interactions, if ELEMENTAL DANCE were to be reliably recaptured. To solve the problem once and for all, LCH was built with four times the treaty diameter so that ELEMENTAL DANCE can not escape outside the capture zone in less than 60 minutes, provided it is contained near the LCH center previous to the interruption. LCH is currently configured to the Benthic Treatys 1km specification, scanning a safe hypotrochoid pattern on the pacific seabed over the course of a year. Until BLUE HADES research determines if a larger containment would reignite ELEMENTAL DANCE growth, the tight focusing is maintained despite the unfortunate ground level side effects (xref: CHEESY SOCCER). In case of maintenance work on LCH, PSP can be used as backup, provided the stearable beam of LCH is used to position ELEMENTAL DANCE in the PSP capture zone first. In recent years the cover-story physics experiments caused increasingly large computer facilities to be built near the experiments where they distorted the grids. Thanks to OCCULUS political influence the latest experiment incarnation, HIGGUPS, switched to a distributed architecture where the individual computer clusters are below the Von Neuman Limit, and spaced at more than three Zuse diameters apart. 4: Codename: Worm Obstruction Matrix (WOM) Classification: Anti-possession program/experimental Deployment: various ear-borne devices. Generations 1-6 were disguised as hear aids. Generation 7 was notionally a bluetooth enabled earpiece for a smartphone. Generation 8 is formatted as a pair of after-market Jesusphone earbuds. In each case, the device is designed to be the equivalent of a fly-trap for the extradimensional entities that cause K-syndrome. It consists of a high-end small computing device that virtually mimics neurons, encased within a non-virtual summoning grid. The idea is to lure these micro-entitites to attack the fake neurons, rather than the wearer's brain. When entities do so, they are trapped in a dedicated write-only memory chip and disposed of as ewaste. To date, success has been mixed. Some of the entities are sentient enough to understand the nature of the trap and learn to avoid it, so new models need to be introduced at least annually, requiring a dedicated R&D staff. Moreover, trap units fill up quickly under active use, so they need to be switched out frequently. Also, agents wandering around with the devices continually stuck in their ears has caused negative attention from management and other services. Also, non-functional earbuds are considered problematic by those who prefer to use their phones for communications or entertainment. Studies are ongoing, but currently, research indicates that agents who consistently use WOMs suffer less from K-syndrome to a statistically significant degree, but the small sample size (program staff plus their close friends, none of whom are field agents) makes extrapolation to the entire Laundry population problematic. 5: Codename: Systeme Anwendungen Produkte Classification: ERP (Enterprise Resource Psychic) Software Security clearance: YELLOW NOMINAL AARDVARK This is an suite of software modules that is mostly use used as both a conventional denial of service attack and to counter an computational demonology systems. The software suite has to hosted on an at least a pair medium of HAP entangled server farms but can be accessed via a suitable equipped laptop, as all efforts to make a useable smart phone interface have failed. The software suite, once activated proceeds to use all available computation resources, even though it appears to achieve very little, after a local resources have been devoured and starts to seek out further resources, by use of quantum entangled bits, java vulnerabilities and cross dimensional scripting all computing devices with fifteen to twenty meters of the server farm or any authorised terminal will start to execute its code, rendering them unresponsive and useless. Extended exposure has also been know to cause mental instability, depression and suicidal despair in human subjects. The software suite is well know in occult intelligence services but so far there have only been two successful deployments of it, both of which overran there budget by a factor of thirteen. 6: CODE NAME CATULUS TRISTUS NAME Structure and Interpretation of Esoteric Programs SUMMARY Introductory textbook for computational sorcery (Black Chamber) BACKGROUND Based on the well-known 'Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs' (SIEP), this introductory textbook is used by the Black Chamber for initial training of inductees into their Esoteric Software development group. Aside from the distinctive cover, it can easily be recognized by its cold and clammy cover and pages, no matter the ambient conditions. More accessible than the suppressed Art of Computer Programming (volume 5), it generally begins by drawing parallels between the lambda calculus, generative L-systems, and dho-na curves. Subsequent chapters illustrate topics such as algorithmic summoning; the impossibility of dho-na software with immutable state; 3D-printing of esoteric artifacts; and (befitting the Black Chamber's origins) efficient integer factoring algorithms. Higher order software of the kind described in SIEP is always executing, even when apparently fixed as data in a tangible medium like a book. This has several interesting consequences: the 'cold and clammy' feeling when the book is handled, the fact that each individual book is slightly different in content, organization and layout (except, apparently, for the wizard on the cover and the integer factoring algorithm), and the actual impossibility of an e-book version (in that medium, its content rapidly evolves into a second fixed form, a self-published science fiction novel). This last factor, luckily, has limited the availability of the book; we believe that fewer than 25 copies presently exist, most of them in the Chamber's Nevada training and containment facility. While no one can deny the effectiveness of the Black Chamber's software development program, and the comparatively long productive life of its programmers, the programming style taught in SIEP is correlated with an early-onset variant Krantzberg Syndrome characterized by retreat from normal social interactions, casual misogyny, and a preference for idealized fantasy worlds. DEPLOYMENT: FORBIDDEN While the Chamber may tolerate this fate of its programmers (in the intial statges, this K-syndrome variant appears to actually increase their productivity), The Laundry does not. Any agent coming in contact with SIEP is instructed not to read it; or if she has read it to report the incident and refrain from using any methods learned from it. In either case, the volume shall be turned in to your operations officer for secure destruction or as leverage in negotiations with the Black Chamber. (besides which, the integer factoring algorithm is so vigoriously endothermic that executing it on a 40-digit number in a populated area would lead to mass casualties). 7: NAME MAD (Magnetic Advanced Degausser) CLASSIFICATION Tool for secure recycle of the hard drives, floppies and assorted magnetic media DEPLOYMENT According to the latest directives, all government offices must deploy cost savings procedures, which include, but is not limited to, a limitation of the destruction of storage support and equipment. This policy has the goal to reduce the e-waste disposal and promote reuse, but caused some security problems for the Laundry equipments. MAD is the result of the ten-percenter project of one of the Laundry employees. MAD is not a commercial hard disk degausser: it uses a dedicated summoning grid with custom Python scripts to disentangle the magnetics status of the ferromagnetic molecules from this continuum. The result is not just a shuffle of the magnetic status of the molecules, but an obliteration at quantum level of the statuses from this continuum. The informations are not recoverable simply because are no longer in our continuum. CAVEATS Use only on magnetic supports. MAD is ineffective with other media such as microfilms, optical media, punchcards. 9: NAME: COSI (Cute-Overload Sequence Initiator) CLASSIFICATION: End-stage crowd control measure. DEPLOYMENT: Via the creation of a fourth-level glamour and subsequent Class 2 entity invocation, both powered by the decompression and rendering computations used by all modern web browsers (and embedded browser pages used in many smart-phone applications ['apps']), subjects viewing COSI-enabled images experience powerful positively fed-back emotions leading to disabling passive states ranging from fugue states lasting minutes to full-blown catatonic phases lasting from hours to weeks. (Earlier versions inevitably led to permanent catatonia, which at this time is considered neither desirable nor necessary, though this capability may be considered for the contingencies examined in ALTERNATIVE BLUNT BADGER.) Since subjects exhibit immediate reduction in cognitive processing, this is believed to represent a modality for quick-dampening thaumic field levels associated with imminent/immanent extra-universal incursions without the problematic loss of life and the enhanced radiation levels associated with (e.g.) widespread use of SCORPION STARE. CAVEAT: The affective cluster denoted 'cuteness' targeted here is considered optimal, earlier equivalent applications employing pornographic imagery (LOSI) having proved to be both harder to control and more severe in effect, with sequelae ranging from the aforementioned permanent catatonia to (in one case) a severe exothermic release event. 10: Succinct, however please explain how the SNO component will figure into this and which 'experiment' is to get which supplies as per your Supplies Requisition Request(PO#: 66631416). As you explained previously, although SNO was mothballed shortly before agent McDonald picked up his door stopper in Stockholm, your department (Infernal Analytics) feels that this device's ability to pick up cross-dimensional fracture signals will gain us a few additional nanoseconds warning. Further, you also mentioned that SNO will also provide the small-scale 'picture' of any demonic trans-dimensional offensives. LIGO meanwhile will as per plan provide the N+1 dimension panoramic view.* Admin * A PPT/VB flowchart diagramming the components/experiments and their respective functions (dimensions,demons, etc.) would be helpful. 13: [This entry is ineligible to win the prize; it's just for my own amusement.] NAME: Cuppa Builder's CLASSIFICATION: anti-fungal defence system DEPLOYMENT: Following the events of CASE NIGHTMARE RED, new cases of meningitis have been contracted at an alarming rate. The cause is a commensal amalgam of two recently introduced fungal species, related to but not identical to known varieties of cryptococcus and blastomyces. These species are provisionally codenamed YUGGOTH. Meningitis resulting from YUGGOTH infection is most prevalent in low-level paranormal practitioners, suggesting an as-yet unproven link to the recent events. Cuppa Builder's is to be deployed as widely as possible across the UK, with special attention to schools, office environments and other workplaces. EFFECTS: Cuppa Builder's is housed in the floor of a glazed ceramic containment vessel with a capacity of 550+ mL. Sustaining glyphs are rendered in two kinds of conductive glaze around the circumference, and an additional glyph is placed on the handle. Water-based beverages poured into Cuppa Builder's before being consumed are rendered inhospitable to YUGGOTH spores and build immunity to the infection. Campaigns with several civilian distributors have been successful so far, most notably 'Sports Direct'. 14: Name: GARGOYLE Classification: Aerial Surveillance/Anti-Personnel GARGOYLE is a special-purpose, octo-rotor drone. It is built to hold a binocular camera rig and software to run SCORPION STARE. Due to the vulnerability of this platform to SCORPION STARE attacks, all carbon has been eliminated from the structure. As a result, the drone is heavier and slower than off-the-shelf octorotor drones. However, it cannot be brought down by SCORPION STARE, a basilisk or medusa, so it tasked with close, mobile urban surveillance and anti-personnel/anti-zombie missions under CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN. 16: Name DEATH STAR Classification Weapon: Generalised Medusa Class NOTE Briefing on DEATH STAR requires security clearance at Auditor level. If you are not cleared to Auditor level, do not open this folder, since if you do your Laundry geas will activate and your brain will explode. Deployment DEATH STAR is a remotely operated portal which opens on to a parallel universe with a slightly larger strong interaction coupling constant, making 2He (the diproton) stable. Deployed in the core region of a main-sequence star, DEATH STAR will hugely accelerate hydrogen fusion, causing an enormous increase in stellar luminosity and—depending on the mass of the star in question—probably a pseudosupernova explosion. DEATH STAR is likely to result in the extermination of all life in the solar system in which it is deployed. It is intended as a pre-emptive strike weapon to forestall potential invasion from hostile parallel universes, cf. The Atrocity Archive. Under no circumstances should DEATH STAR protocols be initiated in the datum universe; even in the event of CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN it is likely that the casualty rate will be worse under DEATH STAR. Deployment of DEATH STAR in a parallel universe requires personal clearance by the Senior Auditor. 17: NAME: ORACLE - Occult Rig for Acausal Cracking with Limited Expenditure Classification: Portable equipment - Network intrusion and disruptive demonology Deployment: Connected to a system using any form of login system, encryption key or similar, the ORACLE is capable of correctly guessing the data you need to gain entry - or any other effect you can express to it - on the first attempt. At least, in the universe you're now living in. Agents are warned not to use this for economic gain or against an opponent who may also possess similar technology: the consequences of ORACLE equipment being deployed on opposing sides of a conflict are extremely difficult to predict and may prove universe-destroying. Alas, we already have the capability and no doubt something will force us to use it sooner or later. The system in our possession has no connection to one Larry Ellison. Agents are not to deploy ORACLE against Oracle or Ellison himself however - in the immediate term this should be considered to be covered under economic gain. However, not all relevant information is classified under ONE RICH ASSHOLE. 18: Name: SSD Classificatioin: SIEM (Secure, Intelligent, Effective Measure) Deployment: Using a SOC Summoning Device (SSD) by plugging it into a standard mains socket (110V/50Hz, DO NOT ATTEMPT to use 230V) will attempt to summon enough suitable personnel to form a SOC (Secure Operations Cadre). A functioning SOC will at least cover the roles of Field Agent (Class II), note taker, reliable witness, auditor, PA (see appendix A if cleared for CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN) and supervisor. Caution: If carefully overcharged it might be possible to combine personnel for two or more of the required roles. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES it should be plugged into a 230V socket, as this might then summon a Senior Auditor, who would be cleared for all roles and thus eliminate any need for the continued existence of the summoner - with extreme prejudice. Note: In normal operation, the device will not draw more than approx. 0.5A of current, and take approx. 15 minutes to charge. It can be operated from a standard S-ATA (rev. 1.0) port, though care should be taken tp utilize all 3 power pins at a load of approx. Sticky note: From the only one (in-?)sane enough to have tried to use one of these: just don't try to power it via USB. Those meager 500mA @5V don't spin up the underlying computational matrix in a safe manner. What they don't tell you at pickup time is that I tried this, and why do you guess the Russians needed to invent stories of a meteor near Chelyabinsk in 2013? APPENDIX A: Political Appointee. 19: Name: Revenant Stun Munition Classification: General Issue, no specialist training, short briefing required. Deployment: This variation on the G60 / M84 stun grenade tunes the emitted light spectrum into the ultraviolet; and includes haemoglobin analogues, silver, and allicin as additional payload. Offensive employment should disable a PHANG for the several seconds required for a tactical team to take further action; defensive employment should allow an Officer sufficient opportunity to break contact and withdraw. Fuzing is available in both offensive mode (four-second delay detonation after lever release) and defensive mode (lever pressure must be eased and replaced every five seconds to prevent ejection from the casing and immediate detonation). Briefings must stress the defensive mode limitations once the pin has been removed; and the need to hold the munition head pointed away from the body for the defensive-mode scenario where the Officer's will has been dominated to the extent that controlled movement is impossible. 20: Name: CHUPACABRA Description: CHUPACABRA is a program to get PHANG parasites to parasitize the brains of goats living on the Crown Prince's estates in South Wales. If PHANGs can successfully transition off human blood, their ethical and moral complexities of their condition can be substantially diminished, improving morale, work performance, and work/life balance. Experiments with having PHANGs drink the blood of live goats have only been partially successful. Current trials involve changing the PHANG parasite to prefer goats to humans (under auditor supervision, since the esoteric equivalent of a vampire mad goat outbreak is to be avoided), engineering GMO goats with sufficiently human brains to be acceptable to wildtype PHANG parasites (ideal but challenging: although the goat genome is known, mapping the differences between human and caprine genome expression in the brain is proving a complex task), and finding acceptable human intermediate hosts to help transition PHANGS from human to caprine blood tolerance. In the last category, imprisoned soccer hooligans were suggested, but proved intolerable to PHANG parasites. 21: Not an actual entry - T&Cs say 'mericans need not apply. But need to get this out of my head now. Code: MAGICAT Official Designation: Residual Feline Resource Description: Self fueling pest control. To be deployed in the sub-basement levels of the Archives to prevent rodent infestation of certain materiel. It has been found that ingesting of various items may transfer peculiar attributes to said rodents. This is considered to be undesirable. Residual Feline Resource's have been acquired from the Dunwich pet cemetery and restored to serviceability by way of [REDACTED]. They are maintained by ingestion of the souls of their prey. Despite the small size of mice they provide just enough nourishment for the proper functioning of RFRs. Warning: If one encounters an RFR it is recommended to leave the vicinity as soon as possible. Do not be tempted to pet said Resource, and ABSOLUTELY DO NOT let it sit on your lap, at peril of your immortal soul. 22: Cheating a little, since I designed this for my RPG in the nineties. Name: Carnacki Mk III Electric Pentacle (1903) Description: A pentacle-shaped array of mercury discharge tubes with a lead-acid accumulator as power supply - unfortunately the DC voltage has to be stepped up to high AC voltages using an induction coil, which produces a loud humming noise and releases toxic ozone and enough UV light to be an automatic safety failure under modern regulations. The Mk III model added a charcoal filter to reduce ozone levels. Deployment: A portable containment grid / protective shield that was (for its day) relatively easy to set up and use. The main drawback was the limited capacity of the accumulator, 2-3 hours of operation (less after repeated uses). Generally replaced by longer fluorescent tubes post WW1. Occasionally still useful if UV is actually wanted - phangs REALLY don't like it, for obvious reasons - and if the user wears protective goggles. 23: Name: SUPERINJUNCTION QUICKSILVER Classification: defensive structure, ritual origin Ritual requirements: 128 gigaflops of calculation (available as app) Deployment: When dealing with infovore incursions it is sometimes useful to create areas devoid of information to act as firebreaks. These can be created by performing the authorized ritual (see Warning) which flip-phases the ghost condensate of the nearest 10^36 Planck lengths. This forms a 5-orthoplex containing no information whatsoever, and appears to a 3-dimensional onlooker as a pointier buckyball with a perfect mirror surface. It is impenetrable, but also not destructible or movable, and therefore refrain from summoning in built-up areas where possible. Warning: do not deviate from the ritual in an attempt to modify the shape or size of SUPERINJUCTION QUICKSILVER. We do not want a repeat of BAD DREAM QUICKSILVER. 24: Name: Modified High Velocity Missile Classification: Very Short-Range Air Defence against large saurian avians. Deployment: Cleared for issue to special-brief sections of the Royal Artillery as an Urgent Operational Requirement for use against saurian avians ('Dragons'). A limited number of Starstreak HVM have had their fuzes reset to detonate on entry into soft tissue rather than hard airframe, and their limited HE payload replaced with a Phosphorous incendiary charge. Penetration of the primary flammable gas sac of a 'Dragon' during its aggressive flight displays will result in immediate deflagration of the target. Tactical Employment: A section of HVM is the minimum required to provide point defence to a static SOE field team; at least three sections are required to provide cover on the move, and it is vital that the SOE team leader coordinates closely with the RA Detachment Commander throughout any movement phase of an operation. SOE team leaders should also consider the range to the supporting mortar lines, regarding any need for Final Protective Fire tasks against ground-based saurians (mixed WP / HE recommended). Lessons Learned notes have been promulgated by Director Combat Support based on recent operational experience of 265 Bty and 295 Bty RA. 28: Name: Shiny Unicorn Blossom Classification: Morale Improvement Program. After auditors noted the marital difficulties encountered by two of our most valued operatives an organization-wide psychological study was undertaken. It was discovered that the oncoming CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN, plus the discoveries that our organization had been penetrated by both a terrorist organization and an ancient PHANG, plus the recent deaths of several high-level directors and operatives have resulted in the worst morale crisis encountered in any of Her Majesties intelligence operations since the aftermath of Kim Philby's penetration of MI5. Deployment: Organization wide, regardless of classification. Shiny Unicorn Blossom is a motivational computer program for Jesusphone's, Androids, and Blackberries which involves social media and a cute, fantasy-style unicorn. Everyone in the organization, regardless of their classification level, can use Shiny Unicorn Blossom to record their “wins,” which are defined as 'any successfully completed task or action, no matter how small, that advances the aims of the organization.' A “win” might range from the completion of a simple task such as as the compilation of a section-wide list of employee addresses to the successful resolution of a difficult operation in enemy territory. The employee's “win” is then broadcast to all other employees of the appropriate classification, and then Blossom, the Shiny Unicorn, rewards the employee with a motivational text from an appropriate book of forgotten lore such as the Necronomicon, the G'harne Fragments, or the Pnakotic Manuscripts. Each time one employee “likes” another employee's “win” Blossom again rewards the winning employee with a motivational text. Effects: We anticipate the complete resolution of our morale problem in record time! 29: Name: Deus Ex Machina Classification [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] Description: The item consists of a perfect 1:2:4 metal box topped by a hollow crystal hemisphere, hinged on one side and easily opened. Inside the hemisphere is a large red button labeled 'RESET' in high Enochian (rough translation). This item is stored in [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted], under [redacted] [redacted], and [redacted] security. Knowledge of the location of this device is limited to [redacted] and [redacted]. The origin of the item is not known, nor its maker, nor its age, nor its function. Indirect thaumaturgic analysis has returned paradoxical results, and no one has wanted to perform the obvious experiment. 31: Name: TASP (Trans-Acting Sexual Pacifier) Classification: Weapon – Medusa class – Non-lethal Deployment: Non-lethal control of individuals or groups of humans when conventional, physical approaches have not or will not suffice. Description: TASP is similar to SCORPION STARE in that field programmable gate arrays (FPGAs) are harnessed to simulate the neural architecture of a basilisk. TASP differs in that experimental evolution has been applied to the simulated neural net, resulting in a variant that tunnels minute quantities of electrons (instead of atomic nuclei) into the target during observation. While this amount of electricity is incredibly small compared to conventional sources, the tunneling is able to be pinpointed to very small volume. Researchers found that brain activity can be manipulated easily by this amount of current. Using sophisticated tracking and magnification algorithms, the sexual pleasure centers of the brain can be stimulated specifically, totally incapacitating the target for five to ten minutes as they experience, “the best orgasm of [their] life.” Cautions: TASP is meant for short-term crowd control and should not be used for long durations. TASP is almost certainly addictive, as evidenced by rodent experiments. Prolonged TASP exposure could also lead to psychological and neurological disorders similar to excessive MDMA use. Laundry personnel are strictly forbidden from exposing themselves, their significant others, their coworkers, or their supervisors to TASP as a prank or as a “relationship enhancer.” Personnel exposed to TASP for any duration require psychological and neurological screening before returning to active duty. 37: Name: OFFOG Classification: Unconventional weaponry level 3 Effects: The Occult Field Facade Of Glory was conceived as a logical extension of the HOG-3 personal defense system, enhancing the personal obfuscation effect to cover an entire vehicle. The impracticality of driving an invisible car through London traffic is obvious, so the program primarily focused on aircraft and water vehicles. The only field test to date ran into two problems. Trivially speaking the test vehicle, a Royal Navy ship in for refitting, remained perfectly visible and apparent to everyone. Laundry personnel then discovered that they could no longer find the OFFOG apparatus; despite copious paperwork attesting that they had indeed installed it somewhere aboard, nobody was able to locate where the object actually was or recall anything about its physical appearance. The test went considerably over budget as Laundry and RN personnel spent five days examining the ship piece by piece attempting to locate the OFFOG. This technology shows great promise for field work when the bugs have been worked out. In the meantime personnel are cautioned not to mention Philadelphia in this context on pain of surly stares from their coworkers. Note: Ineligible due to Term 6: author on wrong continent. Posted for amusement only. 39: Not an Entry, as I do not have storage for dead tree books. Meta-Versal Internet Router Project: Frankly, this project was primarily intended to keep staff recruited as a security measure harmlessly occupied, up-to-date and engaged with any useful information retrieved a happy bonus. By pointing sensitive cross dimensional detection apparatus at the logical places to run wires into very old buildings it is fairly trivial to eaves drop on the network traffic of other universes, and a number of recievers have been emplaced at the oldest universities in the country. More recently, we have had some success in picking out wireless signals from elsewhere as well. Most such signals are, naturally, not encoded in anything recognizable as a tcp/ip protocol let alone any of the higher level protocols established on top of that so the only intel initially gathered was a baseline anthropic calibration of the annual likelyhood of the sudden demise of a networked civilization. See: Reports f825, 1987. H129 1995, j492 2006. Less morbidly, morale among surplus office staff tasked with decoding unfamiliar network protocols and shifting through whatever the users of those networks chose to download for things that are useful is remarkably high. Problems: While several very useful insights have been gleaned, mostly from collections of text books pirated, bought or otherwise distributed electronically, an unfortunate tendency towards political radicalism and activism is observed in everyone involved. Often of completely unrecognizable flavors. The Georgist Tax seal is understandable, since the economic data from universe 301 through 532 indicate that our current system of taxation is simply inferior, but if one more translator tries to tell me about Vannessa's Principle. 40: Name: Defensive Underwater Kit mark I Classification: Non-lethal self defence weapon. No secret technology, but issued to responsible personnel only. Deployment: Diplomatic and non-combatant staff visiting BLUE HADES are at considerable risk of straying into secured areas due to unfamiliarity with local conventions and inability to perceive the equivalent of warning signs. The Defensive Underwater Kit mark I is a speech synthesiser chip capable of generating an Enochian word roughly translated as 'Back off! (Water creature with harmful intent)', preserving the life of the bearer without damaging a BLUE HADES guardian carrying out their duties. Conventional batteries and charging ports are impractical in the pressure and temperature of the underwater environment, so the chip is powered by a piezo-electric power source and thus activated by squeezing. The electronics are enclosed within a polymer rubber casing, colored bright yellow for visibility and shaped as a common toy for a degree of anonymity. Effects: The D.U.K mark I has been observed to deter attack by sharks, piranha, moray and electric eels, and salt water crocodiles. A giant squid restrained the operator but did not employ lethal force. Using this device against a member of BLUE HADES would be considered extremely offensive, unless both individuals were on very familiar terms. 41: Name: BLUE FOREARM Classification: General Purpose Computation Engine Deployment: BLUE FOREARM (Released by unknown agency as 'Kali Linux' to the general population) is a modified FLAXEN COGWHEEL distribution with specialised software suites for demonic interdiction and penetration testing of magic circles. This would not normally be allowed distribution to the public, but a level 4 glamour embedded in the operating system makes it nearly impossible for the uninitiated to read the available options in the drop-down program menu. By the time these. 'more advanced' programs were recognised by Laundry personnel, BLUE FOREARM was widely distributed and a great deal of public documentation existed, regarding using BLUE FOREARM in penetrating conventional computing assets. As a stopgap measure, recent updates to GLIBC have embedded NP-HARD exhaustive state scanners that report back whenever someone's doing particularly tricky math. This has been sold as a security update, and very few copies of BLUE FOREARM are now unmonitored. BLUE FOREARM can be used by field personnel in defensive or aggressive modes; please see the documentation for crypt(4), BLACK TARPIT and CRIMSON HELM for specific instruction. 44: Name: Dead Sea Scroll Classification: Unconventional Weaponry Deployment: Equivalent to a level 3 glamour, originally inscribed on parchment found on the shores of a dead sea (nb: not the one in Israel/Jordan), will when read cause the reader to believe that what they are doing is Wrong, and will convince them to immediately desist. The target should be in the process of carrying out or significantly mentally involved in whatever Wrong activity is being countered. The effect lasts in the region of 1 to 2 hours. Repeated, frequent use on the same target is not advised due to cumulative, deleterious side effects (including, but not limited to: Krantzberg Syndrome). Notes: The unique properties of the parchment and associated inscriptions were analysed and can now be replicated. Early reproduction of DSS was problematic as the concept of Wrong is arbitrary and applies only to what the reader is currently doing. The effect of the DSS can be mitigated by a sufficiently high level ward. Recent developments have allowed DSS to be printed (on suitable paper) using standard office equipment (removing the need for a high level operative involvement), although equipment wear is increased significantly. A DSS may be folded for convenience of transportation and deployment. Caution: Should not be read by Laundry staff without sufficient warding. 45: Name: ETLA2 Classification: Laundry Admin staff only Description: ETLA2 (Replaces ETLA GENERATOR) is a utility for generating acceptable Laundry codenames. It can be requested to produce names amenable to grouping (eg CASE NIGHTMARE ZETTAELECTRONVOLT and CASE NIGHTMARE ATTOHERTZ), and will reliably produce a codename not already in use. Purpose: ETLA2 is a modernised version of ETLA GENERATOR which exists to avoid the inherent deleterious effect of a message saying, eg, You DO NOT have GIGADEATHS SEVEN clearance! Your project does not yet have a codename - do not leave your station until your project has a certified codename. 47: Probably more of a plot device than an 'actual' device: OFCUT must have an installer, and a utility to update the database of threats. Many software companies have difficulty coordinating these two things. Given that the end-user doesn't always know what threat is being responded to, and that incorrect responses may have different effects on the threat, there is scope for unintended reactions, without much comprehension on the user's part. Also, if someone had obtained hostile access to the database updater, but not the installer, there might be some interesting 'database patches' floating around. 54: (Wrong side of the pond for an actual entry, but this looks like fun) Name: TIP (Thaumic Inspection Powder) Note: Development notes and early field trials refer to this formulation as OCTRINE (Occult Current Tracer: Resonant Induction-based Nanopatricle Effuser). This name was dropped upon approval due to the 64 character limit on database name entries. Classification: Field Equipment: Thamic Field Evaluation Deployment: The evaluation of untried summoning grids is one of the most common dangers encountered by field agents, and a prime generator of Residual Human Resources. To mitigate this danger and relieve the paperwork burden associated with the attachment of Jesusphones to unauthorized extension devices, an expendable alternative was developed. TIP is an air-dispersible powder composed of molecular scale summoning grids based on P-Type Semiconductors. Laboratory testing has shown that is unlikely that entities of significance could make use of these grids; research is continuing regarding additive effects due to powder agglomeration. When released, TIP follows and aligns with ambient thaumic fields and fluoresces to allow observation and tracing of occult phenomenon from a remote distance. Thaumic Inspection Powder is classified as hazardous under the Globally Harmonized System of hazard communication GHS. H373: May cause damage to organs through prolonged or repeated exposure, H888: May cause K Syndrome through prolonged or repeated exposure. 55: Name: Rapid Response Motorcycle Classification: Laundry Motor Pool It has been a continuing concern that the growth of electronics in vehicles could have undesired effects. This has already been a national concern, when the ECUs of several Toyota models were possessed by entities that attempted to drive the vehicles at high speed into walls. This was covered up by blaming a faulty accellerator sensor. See also Case LITTLE BLUE BASTARD, when an entity posessed a Virgin Pendolino train, manifesting as a talking face claiming to want to be a 'Really Useful Engine' To this end, the Laundry have begun their own motor pool, buying up and re-engineering older vehicles to provide reliable transport on occult duties. To provide motorcycle support, a number of ex police BMW R100RTs, built between 1977-1980, have been completely rebuilt. They were chosen for their build quality, reliability, availability of parts and array of luggage add ons available. Rebuild spec: Numerous stainless steel components, hand made, to resist corrosion from hazardous occult substances Fully rebuilt engine and drive train, retaining points ignition, with uprated alternator to power summoning grids and occult toolkits. Includes uprated engine parts to clean up emissions in line with government policy on air pollution. Fully warding to Level 6, protecting the rider from both collision and extra dimensional entities. If a car pulls out on you, the car gets flattened. Each vehicle is finished in blue, black or white, with an array of BMW owners club and holiday destination stickers. Riders are to be trained in the minutae of BMW boxer twin models, so they can pass as a genuine enthusiast and bore the pants off anyone who takes too close an interest in the bikes (OK, I just want my current bike project to go in a book. I have considered building it as a full on Laundry themed special.). 57: Not an entry (wrong continent) - just a bit of riffing/fun/support. Re: BMW Refits I am pleased to report that as per your request, the purchasing department has located budget to provide the requested additional jugs of holy water for storage in the boots of these refitted vehicles. Thank you for reminding us that this product (holy water mixed with blessed sacramental wine with added methanol) recently passed field tests as both a four-season windshield cleaner as well as a ward against hallucinatory spells, wards and level-2 glamors. Nevertheless, Laundry staff are cautioned against excess usage as accidental over-spraying onto passing vehicles and/or bystanders has resulted in aforementioned victims coming to an abrupt stop, dropping everything in their hands/arms and running off screaming. The most extreme such incident occurred during field testing near the London Stock Exchange when REDACTED accidentally sprayed a guano/commodities trader. This trader was observed to drop his Jesusphone and run off screaming ‘I can see the light, I can touch the light! I have found my calling! Everything in my life was all bat-sh*t ‘til now.’ ADMIN. 59: Not an official entry, as author is American. Cryptonym: STRIATED LEATHER PEACOCK Item: Diagnostic manual for esoteric mental disorders This document, based on the DSM-IV manual of psychiatric disorders, attempts to classify and suggest treatments for the various and severe mental disorders that are associated with persistent exposure to the occult. Disorders have thus far been divided into three major categories: - Unhealthy responses to occult experiences or traumas, aggravated by the inability to productively discuss such events with ordinary mental health practitioners. Generally these disorders have the best prognosis. - Effects of mental contact with infovores (K-syndrome and its variants, PHANG syndrome, etc). - Pathological forms of sanity resulting from a reasonably accurate understanding of how dire humanity's situation actually is (worst prognosis). Note that some STRIATED LEATHER PEACOCK documents were marked with the unapproved cryptonym EVERYONE IS SCREWED immediately before Dr. Wood's retirement. Please correct such documents when encountered. 63: Name MALCOINS (Malicious crypto-currencies) Classification A malicious subclass of blockchain-based crypto-currencies. Deployment Bitcoin, the first crypto-currency, introduced the concept of using huge amounts of basically useless computational work as the source of trust necessary for the currency to be accepted. This computational 'proof of work' is also used to generate new currency. While BitCoin in itself was, from an occult point of view, harmless, it can't come as a surprise that anything that uses processing power the way BitCoin does, draws unwanted attention. After BitCoin, many other crypto-currencies, collectively known as altcoins, were introduced. Most of these are copycats, minor variations, get-rich-quick schemes etcetera. However, in a few cases, most notably DogeCoin, the computational work performed isn't harmless at all. Introduced as a 'joke currency' on 8 December 2013, DogeCoin is anything but that. The 'proof of work' processing cycles spent on its SCRYPT protocol are measurably weakening inter-dimensional barriers already. The nature of the entity responsible for introducing DogeCoin is unknown. MALCOINS are to be considered a SPOT (serious persistent occult threat). While not an imminent threat, crypto-currency protocols virtually guarantee an ever-increasing amount of computational power being spent on them. Laundry personnel is forbidden to use crypto-currencies without clearance, and only after the complete software stack involved has been audited. Use of the DogeCoin crypto-currency is, under no circumstance, allowed. Known DogeCoin-miners must be reported immediately. When interacting with the public, Laundry personnel is advised to spread fear, uncertainly and doubt regarding crypto-currencies in general. 74: Name: Pipecleaner Description: In light of recent events, with an attack on headquarters and discovery that the old building was the site of long-term thaumic contamination, there, medical staff have advised that all employees should try to lower their thaumic levels as much as possible. To support this, purchasing staff in HR has been provided with small-scale thaum-meters (it not being seen as safe to give them Jesusphones with equivalent equipment), and instructed to source food and beverages with as low a thaumic reading as possible. So far, a 10 ton stock of tea from 1942 (the year we bought all the tea outside the Japanese empire), found in the back of a Liverpool storehouse, has proved to have the lowest thaum reading recorded to date. It was deemed drinkable by HR and medical, and has been duly stocked throughout all departments, where it shall be used exclusively while supplies last. Medical advises that for best use, this tea should be steeped for at least three hours prior to consumption, in order to decontaminate the water. Searches for comparably safe stocks of other foods are ongoing. With background contamination levels rising, it appears that food in long-term storage may prove to be the safest from thaumic contamination. HR encourages tips from all personnel. 75: Name: BLACKBOOK BANKSY Classification: Civilian protection equipment, supplement to CIRCLE OF SAFETY equipment Deployment: In CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN HM Laundry will provide circle of safety protective wards. There will also be an offensive ward provided to the civilian population: We designed several stencils that allow even the inexperienced to quickly spray numerous wards on availabel surfaces. These wards are not very powerful, but should distract and irritate lower class infestations, thus buying civilians more time to enable their circle of safety posters. Stencils pose challenges: The closed, oninterupted lines can not be drawn without the center falling out. T Special care was taken to ensure two qualities: The ward must be functional even when the stenciled image is subject to drip or the stencil is damaged; also the stencil must be designed in such a way that typical drip on most surfaces will create an unbroken conductive line. To these ends, outside help from the street arts community was enlisted. The stencils will be mass rpinted and distributed together witch a can of chrome and a handfull of fat caps. 76: Name: Old school cadet Classification: Infestation proof calculating equipment Deployment: Computers can be infested, in CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN this will likely affect many. One possible preemptive measure will be removal of most computing equipment from hazardous areas, either directly or by rendering them harmless via EMP shock. Operators in counterattack or rescue operations however will need the ability to quickly conduct basic computations. To this end 'Old school cadet' supplies and special purpose sliderules for al kinds of applications, from adminitering drugs to range finding for artillery to calcualting allowable expenses - HM Government's Civil Servants will. Especially in CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN, conduct themselves with utmost proffesionalism. Kurtas are only available on special request. 77: Code: VAGILE[TM] Official Designation: Rapid Thaumaturgical Systems Development Methodology Description: Verifiable Arcanae Generate/Implement-Lambda Elucidation This Exciting! Methodology consigns all the baffling, frustrating, hesitant and overly-cautious development cycles of yesteryear to the dustbin, enabling a bright new start to your advanced cyber-thaumaturgical projects, rapidly and easily completing in mere days what used to take months of painstaking effort. Just by identifying any first possible sub-goal, and having the development team assuming relevant Appropriate Postures [TM] *, our Eldritch Optimolver [TM] will produce a full set of geases to bind the souls of your lucky dev team to development goals bound to produce the desired outcome. Your next sprint's goals will be visible from this new vantage-point, one step closer to Delivery! That's the Magic of VAGILE[TM]! * during a solar ascendant hour, standing within an appropriately energised containment structure. 78: Laundry pesonnel are to note that any restrictions re. MALCOIN apply even more so to the so called ethereum project, which in addition to the compuation needed to generate 'coin also tries to implement compuation on the blockchain itself! Anyone with a passing knowledge of infestation knows about the dangers 'contracts', more accurately known as weak geas, pose. Current strategy is to send lots of crackpots the way of the ethereum project, this has worked in the past to derail dangerous open source projects. 79: Name: Safe or Sorry? Classification: Infestation proof PLC equipment Deployment: When CASE NIGHTMARE GREN strikes, many of the PLC systems running our critical infrastructure are in danger of infestation. This severely endagners our water and energy infrastructure. To mitigate against this risk, the Laundry has prepared a suit of warded PLC units. Ths goal is surreptiously get all critical infrastructure plants to replace their PLC against warded ones. This works best under guise of increased reliability of the newer systems (the fact that current Siemens S7 systems feature a minor glamour doesnt hurt either). Due to the more fractured nature of the SCADA market, this is not possible here - at least as long as the mandatory bidding processes remains the way the way they are. EA are working on it, but it is a tough nut. 80: Thanks for giving us trans-ponders the month off, I might have felt obliged to develop a full promotional pitch for the Ronco Bot-B-Gon, indispensable to any agents relying on web info resources. My time will be better spent finishing book three of Liu Cixin's trilogy in the original untranslated, uncondensed version. At only ten pages a day before my attention wanders, and several sci-tech jargon words to look up per page, I hope to finish by early July so I can post tantalizing plot hints and spoilers before the autumn release of the English version. Judgement will be used since Liu and O.G.H. Share the same publisher, wouldn't want to get banned from the blog or nothin'. 81: Name: CARMINE QUICKLIME COLOSSUS classification: Occult Software: Ward-Breaker The Quantum Dho-Na Factorisation Engine is a partial implementation of the theoretical 'quantum supercomputer' factorisation engine, using quantum dots and newly-discovered Dho-Na transforms to factorise and 'crack' the occult paracryptographic entities that constitute a 'ward' or 'Geas'. The CARMINE QUICKLIME COLOSSUS field unit is man-portable, but limited in its deployability by the need to keep it topped-up with liquid helium at all times. Wards equivalent to class [REDACTED] can be deactivated in [REDACTED] minutes by the portable CARMINE QUICKLIME COLOSSUS unit. Note that the decryption, while not instantaneous, will comprise a negligible part of the transform; the read-in of the ward by the handheld supercooled quantum interference detector takes several minutes, and the subsequent transcription and execution of the decryption result consumes a variable interval which cannot be predicted in advance, and may be zero or [REDACTED] time. Higher-level wards require communication with the [REDACTED] resource at [REDACTED] and may require several days' transcriptional computation. A limited number of known ward 'crack' codes have been precomputed and can be communicated to a field unit. Note that deactivating any ward exceeding [REDACTED] requires managerial approval. Operatives should give due consideration to the original purpose of the ward before attempting to deactivate it, with particular emphasis on containing or re-confining the entity or anomaly constrained by the ward. WARNING: The D-N transform implementation is contained within a secure hardware module with anti-tamper protection that will [REDACTED] any attempt at reverse-engineering and [REDACTED] the surrounding area within a radius of [REDACTED]. WARNING: the secure hardware module contains a list of Official Wards that are or may be used by the Laundry. Do not attempt to crack an Official Ward without obtaining the ward-specific permission code from the Auditors. Failure to observe this restriction will result in [REDACTION]. NOTE: CARMINE QUICKLIME COLOSSUS will not be used against high-level wards having the effect of redacting a phenomenon from reality. These wards are themselves a paired 'crack' operation against the Dho-Na transforms collectively referred to as 'reality' and the recursive nature of a counterdecryption calculation would cause [REDACTED]. 83: Name: Turing Honey Trap (aka BuzzyBee, TuHoT) Classification: Tunable passive defence, for field use. Caveats and restrictions: For level 3 or higher combat demonologists' use only. Must be combined with active countermeasures and high density external storage. Requires regular updating with fresh problems. May generate excessive heat. May overload domestic electric circuits. Overview and deployment: For the right kind of inquisitive entity, a sufficiently complex computation is irresistible. By simulating a search for instances of uncomputable problems of the appropriate Turing degree, a Trap holds the attention of hostile intruders long enough to deploy active terminal countermeasures. Current models are usually packaged in an amplifier case, for connection to field instruments for I/O, containing a highly parallel compute engine and 1TB RAM. Traps are often referred to as BuzzyBees, an allusion to Busy Beaver machines that were used as early Traps; these have now been too thoroughly investigated to be effective. Not to be confused with Turing Tar Pit. Further caveats: If the computation is too simple, the target entity will quickly grasp it and move on. On the other hand, an overly complex problem will be ignored by a low level entity. On the third hand, since computers with bounded memory will ultimately fail on uncomputable problems, and a sufficiently advanced adversary will be able to determine this, a chain of external storage arrays must be connected as appropriate to shift the horizon of computability. A great deal of experience is therefore required to effectively deploy a Trap (hence the phrase 'TuHoT to handle'), and the minimum level certification will under no circumstances be waived. 87: Name: CLICKBAIT ALEPH NULL Classification: Recursive Distraction Engine coupled with a Class 4 Glamour. Deployment: Appears to be an innocent web-link emailed to target subject under observation. When subject must be detained for extraction, but may attempt escape, send email with link to CLICKBAIT ALEPH NULL site, under the influence of the Glamour, subject will be unable to resist clicking on link. CLICKBAIT ALEPH NULL site generates a semi-random, near-infinite list of items aggregated from various 'Entertainment News' sites while maintaining the Glamour leaving subject unable to remove their focus from their monitor. Care must be taken by retrieval team not to focus their own attention on the subjects monitor. To disengage CLICKBAIT ALEPH NULL, retrieval team member must perform a Hard Shutdown of subject's computer (i.e. Pull the plug). One early beta-deployment of CLICKBAIT ALEPH NULL resulted in nearly a dozen people from target subject's mailing list being spammed with CLICKBAIT ALEPH NULL. All but one victim of the spam message were located and disengaged within a day. However the twelfth was not located for a week, and was found to be in a near desiccated state, his right index finger continuously clicking on the Next Page button on the site. He is now a member of Residual Human Resources. 89: Name: Narf box Classification: None. Does not officially exist. Knowledge of the narf box restricted to need-to-know. Description: Technical personnel with a need to know at the [redacted] technical facility may be introduced by Brains to the narf box, which is filled with whatever unusual or highly advanced technological items have come to hand but do not need special handling. Gadgets in the narf box may be brought out by authorized personnel as necessary to distract Pinky from getting too clever with the project they're actually supposed to be doing. Management has no need to know on this subject. Pinkie has a specific need not to know. Clearance will be granted by Brains at his sole discretion. Note: I'm still not eligible. This is posted only for fun. On the other hand, more than one couple has had arrangements like this. 91: Benefit Realisation Management: A Practical Guide to Achieving Benefits Through Change within UK Occult Intelligence Services, 8th Edition Gerland Bradley ISBN-17 9943FF# Classification: RESTRICTED NO-EXTERNAL-4 NO-DISSEMINATE Description: Operatives and administrators within the UK public service are entrusted with safeguarding the well-being of the state and its population. With the increasing likelyhood of CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN a number of departments are looking at how best to manage their budgetary needs against effective strategic project delivery. 'The best weapon against uncertainty is a fully realised organisational wide strategy' Benefits realisation provides a framework with which to measure the effectiveness of projects against the medium and long term strategic objectives of an organisation by encompassing best practice from industry and defining a well understood terminology to describe commonalities observed across project teams, organisational units and phases of project implementation from conception to operational handover. This framework will benefit any member of a PMO, as well as serving as a definitive reference for any BRM practitioner novice or experienced. Contains practical advice on effective measurement across geographically distributed teams via non local invocations ('Remote viewing applied to project reporting at scale'), recommended standards for project reporting and defined measures for both monetary and non-monetary benefit realisation as it relates to applied demonology ('How can we effectively measure the value of a soul against project and department budgets?' 8th Edition contains updated practices on strategic risk management; and revised terminology (why it is no longer sensible to 'cross-pollinate' ideas across organisation units) with a special focus on K-Syndrome and succession planning amongst staff given the new learnings during the post incident retrospectives of BYBLIS GUEHOI. 92: Name: The Invisible Mint Classification: A smartphone app that prints money Description: This app allows deployed field agents to generate anonymous cash on short notice in the form of cryptocurrency. Cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin use proof-of-work systems to verify transactions via a shared public ledger, the 'blockchain.' These systems require the currency network in question to solve problems whose difficulty scales with the size of the network, but whose answers are easy to verify. These solutions are used to verify to the network that all transactions rolled into each new block are valid. In the case of Bitcoin, this proof-of-work is to find a 32-bit number (the 'nonce') which, when combined with the Bitcoin block header, hashes to a value below below a certain pre-defined size when run through the SHA256 hashing algorithm twice. The difficulty of this problem is scaled such that it should take around ten minutes for the entire network to discover a valid nonce using a brute-force attack. The network member, or 'miner', who discovers this nonce is awarded 25 bitcoins worth approximately 7700 GBP on today's market. The Invisible Mint app takes a short cut by first, which can then be solved in polynomial time via a suitable implementation of the Turing-Lovecraft Theorem. The subsequently-awarded cryptocurrency can then be laundered into the local currency as needed. Since the production of multiple solved blocks in rapid succession could not only threaten the stability of cryptocurrency markets but also hint toward the existance of the Turing-Lovecraft Theorem, each individual use of the Invisible Mint must be separated by a reasonable interval. Further, each individual use must be justified in writing using form AIM1 and submitted to Accounting. Cases of abuse will be referred to the Auditors, the Black Assizes, or both, depending on the nature and severity of the infraction. 96: Name: FCG (Field Containment Grid) Mk 2 Description: A large sheet of canvas, with embedded conductive thread and flexible components. This piece of equipment comes with a dedicated carrying bag / water-proof cover and is suitable for bringing along on any field mission where a containment grid will be needed during the mission. The FCG Mk 2 carrying bag also comes with both a battery pack and an adapter for the normal power grid. Use of FCG Mk 2 is restricted to people who have passed the departmental training in computational demonology. The carrying bag also contains a destruction pack. Notes: While the power adapter chosen for the FCG Mk 2 is a standard USB C connector, it is very strongly recommended to ONLY use the provided battery pack or mains adapter. Do not, under any circumstances, connect the FCG Mk 2 to a normal laptop or phone, even if it is possible. This will cause the destruction of the plugged-in equipment and MAY cause failure of the FCG Mk 2. The FCG Mk 2 is a single-use piece of equipment and once used SHOULD be taken back for maintenance. If it is, for some reason, impossible to bring it back, fold the FCG Mk 2 up, break open the provided destruction pack (labelled 'Do Not Open Unless In Emergency' in black letters, on a yellow background), pour the thermite in the destruction pack over the top of the FCG Mk 2 bundle, then pull the activation tab inside the pack and place on top of the thermite. Within 3 seconds, this should ignite and destroy the FCG Mk 2. 97: NAME: The Metaphysical Turk CLASSIFICATION: Occult Analysis App/Web Service (level 3 special access under cooperation program with U.S. Black Chamber) DEPLOYMENT: An interesting side-effect of the growing incarceration rate among the population of our U.S. Allies is that there has been a steep rise in the number of cases where convicts in their justice system are handed multiple life sentences to be served consecutively. Legally speaking these souls are not allowed to rest until their sentences have been completed. A secret Supreme Court case decided 6 to 3 that life-after-death is clearly another life and so these souls are effectively bound to do forced labor until the heat death of the universe or CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN, whichever happens first. Due to bureaucratic oversight and administative inertia this valuable pool of free labor was wasted for years on end until an enterprising manager discovered its hidden potential and put these souls to work doing mindless administrative work initially. Since dead inmates tell no tales there was no issue with getting security clearance and soon afterwards they were providing all kinds of other services as well, typically too mind-numbingly boring or dangerous for living employees, for example brute-forcing the missing parts of partially recovered spells or transcribing intercepted communications between various whale species and BLUE HADES. Field agents are now routinely equipped with the Metaphysical Turk app on their phones or tables in order to send text, images or video directly to the pool of Metaphysical Turks for analysis or evaluation. A web version is also available. NOTE: due to the nature of the labor pool it is strongly advised against to use the Metaphysical Turk in any cases involving rape, virgin sacrifice or child pornography. 98: Name: Snug Bug Rug Classification: Cloaking and escape device Cryptonym: WOOLY KAFKA Synthesis: Each unit is individually hand-knitted by operative AUNTY NORMA Mundane Cognate: Various, typically as fisherknit cardigan, sometimes as scarf or mittens Deployment: In time of personal crisis, FASTEN ALL BUTTONS, triggering a bioesoteric warp and weft that transforms the agent into a harmless bug. No gibbering nightmare from beyond would ever attack a big juicy cockroach. A reverse-transition technology is yet to be perfected, but who's complaining? Until they work that out you can look forward to a happy retirement - you'll be the toast of every literary society's sugar bowl! 99: Name: Local Etheric Temporary Holding Enchantment (LETHE) Classification: Procedural enchantment - administrative reproduction Deployment: Used by the Laundry's administrative staff in the process of duplicating dangerous documents. This protocol works to ensure staff who are involved in the process of hand-duplicating vital records are not also involved in the process of summoning strange creatures from Places Beyond The Ken of Mortal Humans (especially not into their own skulls - cf Krantzenberg Syndrome). This is particularly important as the Case Nightmare Rainbow situations continue - there are certain documents which must be reproduced on a regular basis, such as training and procedural manuals for field operatives, which contain detailed instructions on how to perform various procedures involved in techno-thaumaturgy. Allowing staff who are not trained in field operations to retain any knowledge of these processes would be risky to say the least, and possibly hazardous not only to life and limb, but also to the Defence of the Realm. Essentially, LETHE is a low-level enchantment placed on particular documents which ensures any person who is not issued with the correct wards and counter-measures is unable to make sense of the document except as a string of unrelated characters. This allows staff members in administrative roles (rather than field roles) to reproduce the document with startling degrees of accuracy, but prevents them from retaining any sense of what the document actually means. The idea came from the observation that the majority of the scribes who produced illuminated manuscripts in the mediaeval period may well have been functionally illiterate - what was required for their job was the ability to reproduce what they saw, rather than the ability to comprehend it. While opposition forces may well possess LETHE counter-measures, it is the opinion of the Management the risk of encountering such an operative is worth taking compared to the risks involved in treating widespread K-syndrome throughout the entire Laundry typing pool. 100: Name: Extra-Dimensional low-Enthalpic Nirvana (a.k.a. EDEN, Happy Valley) Classification: Installation - Secret; exposure to EDEN sites should be limited to high-value personnel, and then only when sufficient safeguards against dependence have been undertaken. Deployment: EDEN sites are one of the outcomes of the GRACE EPITOME projects aimed at trans-terrestrial exploration. Tweaks to a standard summoning grid, originally aimed at long-distance travel, invert the purpose of the grid; instead of summoning an extradimensional low-intelligence fast-thinking autonomous entity to our plane, it grants the activating individual access to a plane where the local inhabitants are slower, creation of complex systems is easier, and it's just.easier to be alive. After some initial difficulties (a) getting test subjects to return and (b) not having local inhabitants treat our forays as hostile (it is suspected that they supply the Gates To Happy Valley with non-sentient animals for us to ride while we're there), we have developed protocols for safe use of EDEN sites for mental recuperation. (Reports that senior staff holiday at EDEN sites are greatly exaggerated, and misuse of the EDEN regime is an Auditable offence.) Subjects report feelings of well-being, a sensation of time passing more slowly, and experience a general increase in cognitive capacity and creative output. While the process of transfer and return are not without their side effects, the capacity of time in EDEN locations to ameliorate post-traumatic stress and to accelerate the development of other projects leads to a satisfactory cost-benefit ratio. 103: I though I might go in a different direction - before magic was put on a 'solid theoretical grounding' and such. While haphazard and risky, it's clear that occult knowledge has always existed, and could manifest itself in subtle and surprising ways. --- NAME: 'Veritas Harvest' CLASSIFICATION: Telepathic contagion and effective counter-measure to class 6 glamours. DESCRIPTION: A 19th century vintage wine, prized by collectors for its rarity, rather than its occult properties, which are - in isolation - somewhat benign. Its history begins with a rather eccentric viticulturist in the Bordeaux region. A sizeable inheritance had freed the good Monsieur Laurent from putting volume before quality, allowing him to experiment with varieties of grape, soils, grafting, and harvest times. It is not known how he came into possession of what became known simply as the 'veritas' method of viticulture. There is evidence to support the premise that he had access to fragments of the writing of Saint Vincent of Saragossa, being an upstanding supporter of the church, and a self-styled scholar of early Roman martyrs. While history holds that Vincent was tortured under the persecution of Christians by the emperor Diocletian, it is clear he was given many opportunities to 'repent', and perhaps to 'share' his esoteric knowledge. He remains a patron saint of wine-makers, and there is evidence to suggest that he may have been a devotee of a Dionysian mystery cult prior to his conversion. Soil analysis by the SOE during the French resistance, and subsequent refinements by Q division, suggest a blood magic contagion used for at least fifteen consecutive years in Laurent's vineyards. There is no evidence of necromancy - simply the use of a single bovine source for each year's blood at the base of each vine. However, the few notes Laurent kept referred to the particular positions of stars and the positioning of stones at the time of the 'blessing', suggestive of a crude but effective application of geomancy. Attention was drawn to the vintage when friends and acquaintances of Laurent noted a 'strange drunkenness'. Those who shared a bottle or two were convinced they could hear and speak to each other over distances for several days afterwards, and exert an 'excessive affection' in others that was most unbecoming, though not necessarily unwelcome. DEPLOYMENT AND RECOMMENDATIONS: The use of Veritas Harvest is not recommended, given the effectiveness of modern wards and sympathetic devices for covert communication channels. It does however, remain a powerful occult resource. A standard glass from a sealed bottle (a spoiled cork or damaged seal render the contents worthless) establishes an effective, and even more comfortably, a voluntary telepathic link between those who share the bottle's contents. Modern researchers have described the wine in the modern vernacular as 'inverse beer-goggles' - a crude description of its ability to see past glamours of at least class 6, while the drinker will project a glamour of class 2 to 3 for several hours. It is surprisingly benign for an occult substance, with no reported ill effects, other than those due to alcohol, and the dissolution of the glamour - often followed by a predictable sense of disappointment to all involved While seemingly benign, there are potential hazards that provide external assets with a brief to deal with known collections of Veritas. The political implications of heads of state sharing an innocently (or maliciously) donated bottle of Veritas are obvious. For example, it would be unacceptable for foreign agencies to make subconscious inquiries of the Prime Minister, or the previous Mayor of London, in the unfortunate PORCINE SUPPLICANT debacle. It is noted that an unsanctioned, though fortuitous, operation by BASHFUL INCENDIARY, incidentally 'monitored' by [REDACTED], exchanged a case of Veritas in the hands of a private collector for a forged, though excellent, Cabernet Sauvignon. A recently appointed Auditor and [REDACTED] were able to confirm the efficacy of the original vintage. 105: Name: Large Area Destruction Botnet (LADBOT) Classification: WAMD Deployment: Botnets are now a common occurrence, used by organized criminals to send spam or malware (usually with the objective of blackmail) to gullible or uneducated users. While considered 'risky' or 'utterly suicidal' by earlier administrator, recent changes in leadership and the raising stakes have lead to the development of LADBOT. After a lucky takeover of a Russian Mafia botnet by the Secret Service and long consideration of the worst case scenario of CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN it was decided that humanity needs a last-resort weapon. LADBOT is a slumbering botnet which we frequently update with knowledge about 0-day exploits to infest more machines. It is currently mostly running on outdated business desktops of which there are many. In case it is deemed necessary, it can be used to send distributed summoning grid (DSG) code to all infected machines, which will use their processing power to open local holes in reality. As noted in FOLDER LAST STAND, we currently have a significant number of machines in the botnet. We expect that this would have a 99.75% coverage. Variant: It is also possible to only activate the DSG for specific IP-ranges, giving us somewhat granular control. Note: I would have preferred to put this into the hands of the Black Chamber, because they fit better, but I don't know their jargon, nor does it qualify. 106: Ever since knitting became mechanised, and production of knitted hosiery ramped up accordingly, there has been introduced into the manufacture of such goods a small but significant possibility that ‘wild’ computational operations might spontaneously arise out of errors in the repeating patterns of stitches comprising the woven fabric. The proliferation of these errors has enabled the evolution of a class of hosiery items with inherent dimensional instability. Thus, the commonplace discovery of a single un-paired sock after completion of the laundry (sic) cycle, its counterpart having suffered collapse of an intrinsic dimensional superposition and departed to alternative space. Under certain circumstances the retained hose remains sufficiently entangled with its counterpart as to form a trans-dimensionally valent monosock which, if energised by a skilled occult technician, can be used to enclose, contain and carry items of greater mass and/or volume than would be normative within the user’s accustomed space/time reference frame - it is believed that the surplus mass is obtruded into the realm wherein the pair lies, presumably unregarded. Name: Poppins Sock. Classification: Utility/Containment - infrequent use. Cautionary: Not to be worn. 108: (Not eligible, entry purely for fun.) Name: Godhood on Demand (a.k.a. GoD) Classification: Malevolent Deity Incursion Response - Experimental procedure. Clearance: Briefing limited to Auditors and personal that they select GoD is a reliable recursive thaumic procedure, executed by a selected human, for bootstrapping themselves into short-duration minor deity with a half-life of approximately 24 hours. The resulting deity is an amplification of the abilities of the human subject to a selected level varying from 2^2 to 2^16 times baseline. The subject should therefor be carefully selected for suitability characteristics, notably including slowness to anger, and a total lack of interest in power. Due to [REDACTED] linkages to [REDACTED] structures in the frontal lobes of the subject, the procedure can only be re-executed by the subject when they revert to baseline. The higher levels of amplification present a significant risk that the deity will suppress or eliminate the power decay function, and so should be reserved for responses to verified MDIs. 109: Well I think I missed the deadline. But it's so rarely I comment anymore that I'll throw my tie in. Name: Negating Extra/Kleinian Terrestrial Insipience Yoke (NE/K TIY) Classification: Camouflaged Anti-possession & agent defection countermeasure, active enforcement of section 3. Deployment: Utilised within non 'hot' espionage that may encounter aggressive hostile agencies seeking to subvert and countermand thaumaturgic locks emplacement by section 3 geas. The NE/K TIY operates with an entangled grid woven into the fabric of the neck piece (see files 'GOLDEN FLEECE' and 'PULLING RUG') to ensure the operator does not deviate from section 3 security procedures through involuntary mental manipulation or metaphysical coercion. The NE/K TIE will - on detection of oath breaking - enforce physical trauma, initially preventing speech and proceeding to termination of asset through asphyxia should possession/coercion attempts continue. Attempts to remove NE/K TIY will initiate a low level class 2 glamour causing self asphyxia as the Teflon carbide binding knot is unintentionally tightened. NE/K TIE devices may only be removed by direct management and utilising command words (default 'It's Casual Friday'). Sub note - it has been reported though not verified that PowerPoint presentations over 15 minutes or in excess of 20 slides cause inexplicable activation of stage 2 of the NE/K TIE device. Whether this is a causal or merely correlative reaction required further studies. BMW got stupid with their bikes around the time they introduced electronics. I was short of cash in 2011 and my R80 needed a repair I couldn't afford, so I sold it and bought a K75 to tide me over. Worst bike I ever owned - top heavy, weighed 50kg more with slightly less power, you had to take out the engine control computer to get at the battery, and the electronics and instruments seemed to have a mind of their own. I ran it for about 6 months before the fuel tank started leaking (a common problem with the early K bikes, and more or less unrepairable short of replacing the tank), sold it at a loss, and eventually got another R80. It was like heaven after the K75. I think you could make a good case for the K-series engine management computers and electronics as already under some sort of occult control, probably satanic. 111: Name: MCS (Magic Circle of Safety) Printer Cartridge Mark 4 Classification: Safety Asset, Low grade Description: As part of the general support work for MAGIC CIRCLE OF SAFETY, under PROTECT AND SURVIVE, information on creating basic protection and summoning circles is provided with working examples. However, the upgrade in background materials to the digital era has created a problem in demonstrating workable protection circles. Previous materials were created by a modified phototypesetting machine to print a continuous image. Since the last tps 6300 was mothballed in 1999 as part of the Y2K initiative, the department has lacked the ability to replace the Magic Circle of Safety printers. Work with the Mark 1 proved the Inkjet printing is unsuitable after incident GIBBERY BITS due to the microgaps between the dots. Similar microgaps as well as issues with frame rates have also stalled the MCS projection app. The Mark 2 was rejected for the silver content being too high, and creating a clustering ink unable to fix the problems of Inkjet printing. The Mark 3 was rejected as HP printers were already infected with manifestations of class 2 entities. The Mark 4 uses toner, and is suitable for use in laser-jet based printers. The Mark 5 is currently stalled in development due to lack of approval from HR to purchase a Makerbot. Deployment: Replace standard toner cartridge in approved printers with MCS Cartridge. Confirm drivers are installed correctly, and print. Please note if drivers were recently install, you should try turning it off and on again. 113: Not sure if I made the deadline, but I don't got to blogs on weekends. All of the above are absurd. None seem to consider fire *prevention* superior to fire *fighting*. Identifier: Metaphysical Disruption Device (MDD) Drawing from Isaac Bonewitz' definitive work, Real Magick (also his B.A thesis from US Berkeley (for real), part of foreseeing, as well as many other abilities require hypercognition. In addition, extra-ordinary concentration is required for any strong spell. Further, from the works of EE Smith, PhD, in his treatise on forces (aka the Skylark series) are drawn the basis for the development of the MDD. Easily disguised as a cell phone, broadcasts modulation on a broad band of metaphysical and, optionally, physical wavelengths, resulting in the disruption of the deployment of spells, open gates, etc. For the physical level, it is advised to the agent deploying the device to a) wear ear plugs, and b) have the cable (supplied with the kid) connecting the device plugged into a belt-mounted high-rated battery pack, as the heavy metal music draws significant power, and will run down the internal battery very quickly. It also, frequently, shatters glass. As a last resort, if the MDD is connected to the battery pack, and the metaphysical power is cranked up to just below the red line, all, including the agent deploying the device, will become unconscious. Going beyond the red line will cause cardiac arrythmia, spasm, and there is a significant chance of death, though that is usually on the side away from the deployer. 114: (Not eligible, and late. Entry for fun.) Name: Wide-Area Outcome Biaser (a.k.a. WAOB) Classification: General Incursion Response - Unconventional Defense Level 3 WAOB blankets a large region, typically several square kilometers though other sizes are feasible, with a bias in outcomes perceived as 'bad luck' by sentient (see [REDACTED]) beings within the region. WAOB reverses the bias for individuals positive identified as friendly through [REDACTED] [REDACTED] non-homomorphic [REDACTED] identifiers. Experiments have demonstrated that in such a field, beings with applicable similarly-signed bias, that are engaged in hostile behavior with each other, will paradoxically both subjectively experience either bad or good luck depending on the sign the bias. Please also note that the large numbers of causality violations indirectly generated by this defense may attract unwanted attention; this defense should only be used during an emergency response to a widespread incursion. 116: Code: Name Reverb Misstep Classification: Autonomous general purpose remote manipulator/sensor Description: A rare example of stable non-hostile level 6 entities bound to thermal and radiation resistant smart fibres which have been woven into an anthropomorphic if diminutive membrane to facilitate mobility and manipulation. Much more than animated knitware, Reverb Misstep, coloquially known to their handlers as Hooters, due to the sliding tonal sequences they employ as their comms transport layer, can carry out a wide range of recon and sample return missions in hostile environments from hard vacuum to near-surface DEEP HADES wormcasts. Deployment and Use: Reverb Misstep are best employed in small teams composed of entites derived from a single summoning. 'Family Groups', according to one handler. They do not posses significant combat capability, but their stealth functions allow them to evade most direct threats. Also see: Chowder Puff, Mail Portal. 118: Name: Spectral Luminol Purpose: Investigation of suspected crime scenes involving extra-dimensional entities Details: Employed similar to regular Luminol, but registers the body fluids, extoplasms, or other exudates typically found at crime scenes involving spectral beings from outside consensual reality. Has a limited capability to distinguish amongst and identify the various clades of the more common eldritch horrors, indirectly improving the survival chances of the crime scene investigators. 123: I was deliberately going for 'old-school' Laundry, the dystopian bureaucracy from the first couple books before OGH explained the necessity for things like Paper-Clip Audits. So yes, the Unicorn was deliberately chosen for it's doubtless-poor morale effect on those in the know. But explain something please: Was the Shiny Unicorn really more worrisome to you than random motivational quotes from the Necronomicon or the Revelations of Glaaki? Congratulations, Eric, you've recorded a win! Here's your motivational quote: As a foulness shall ye know Them. Their hand is at your throats, yet ye see Them not; and Their habitation is even one with your guarded threshold. Yog-Sothoth is the key to the gate, whereby the spheres meet. Man rules now where They ruled once; They shall soon rule where man rules now. 124: (Not eligible; thought this one through for amusement during a long commute) Name: Elder-Deity Nanotechnological Thaumic Field Augmentation/Suppression (EDNTFAS) Classification: Elder Legacy Thaumic Tooling EDNTFAS is believed to be a self-replicating Elder-Deity remnant technology, reverse-engineered from nanostructures found in the pallium of the Patagonian Toothfish. When injected into a central nervous system or analogue, the nanostructures automatically migrate to locations that support optimal augmentation or suppression (depending on mode) of Thaumic Fields generated by [REDACTED] in a broad range of terrestrial nervous systems. The reverse-engineering of the self-replication protocol for the nanostructures was not tested, due to concerns about control over the self-replication process that normally occurs during the growth of the Patagonian Toothfish from an egg with a single associated nanostructure. For this reason, supplies are limited; nanoparticle implantation for a human-sized brain requires processing of 34 adult fish. ([REDACTED] is our liaison with the CCAMLR) No tests have been performed on human subjects; limited tests have been performed on Rattus and Feline models. (See [REDACTED].) Initial experimentation was performed using a standard Cephalopod model, coerced into a Klein bottle mental topology, with arms linked to form a 8-stage thaumic amplifier. Suppression results were encouraging, however no data was recovered from the augmentation experiments; the atoll hosting the experimental station was de-instantiated by BLUE HADES 4.3 seconds after the start of the initial amplification experiment, and computers that received the experimental data stream were destroyed shortly thereafter. 125: Since I'm not eligible anyway due to geographic criteria failure, I bent the rules a little (the following is not just a device). Also, my entry contains a minor puzzle- it shouldn't be hard to spot and solve: Name: Retro Virtual Classification: Digital to Analog Cross Dimensional Summoning Engine Deployment: Via random personalized non-task development activities of a recreational nature, certain low level employees accidently discovered a portal to an alternate universe in which the 'quantum' level of mass and energy is somewhat larger than ours (Project Pixel is exploring this aspect). The process for summoning inhabitants of this universe has been standardized using obsolete recreational devices. The majority of the inhabitants are believed to be friendly to humans, even helpful (they may be some variant of a servitor race). The following individual entities have been identified, and are available for summoning to cleared personnel: STRUCTURAL DISSASSEMBLER ENTITY (SDE): Entity able to extrude extensions from own body to vigorously dissassemble physical objects, primarily structural in nature. Warning: There are, so far, no known limits to this entity's ability to dissassemble structural objects (the entity appears to violate the law of the conservation of energy, research is ongoing). Despite friendly proclivities, entity appears susceptible to causing unintentional yet extreme collateral damage. Summon with extreme caution. STRUCTURAL ASSEMBLER ENTITY (SAE): A similar entity with the apparent ability to wield a device that re-assembles damaged structural objects. Should be summoned along with SDU as a precautionary measure. DISTANCE-TIME DISPLACEMENT ENTITY (DTDE): Entity able to summon a transportation device that has the interesting ability to teleport short distances. No known offensive capabilities, but could possibly provide a useful escape vehicle, should a field agent require such. However, entity may possess an unnaturally enhanced emotional appeal to individuals with developed paternal and maternal instincts. Summon with caution. LARGE VOLUME MILITARIZED ENTITY (LVME): Individual in possession of advanced energy type weaponry with unusual capabilities (for our universe anyway). Unnatural accuracy, esp. During high rate of fire engagements, and no known limit to number of times able to fire. Destructive capacity appears conventional, but the energy emissions of the weapon appear to travel in visibly moving 'bursts' of an unknown nature. Individual appears to be the leader of a squad of similar entities. Summon only as needed. The alternate universe in question contains many more similar entities, possibly thousands, each with exceptionally varied capabilities. Research is ongoing. 126: Name: LOST WALLET Classification: Rejected OFCUT application Description: A theoretically trivial variation on the standard summoning grid can be used to reverse the effect and, rather than summoning an extradimensional entity, send the grid itself off into the realms beyond the known universe. While a very efficient way to lose expensive equipment it has few practical applications. So far the 'sticky note banishment' scheme has failed on every attempt. So has the 'smartphone universe probe' plan, which would be very cost effective if the apparatus could be made to return to our own world. Technical personnel wishing to do experiments should get permission from their managers and a secured budget before attempting anything. Field agents may be issued LOST WALLET if it is anticipated they may need to ensure their equipment cannot be recovered by hostile powers. Note: Still ineligible to win anything, still just posted for fun. 127: Name: GIBBERING HORROR Classification: Offensive software Description: Contrary to one's first assumption, GIBBERING HORROR is not a paranormal threat from another universe; rather, it is an adaptive chatbot designed to slow communication within large organizations by inserting itself invisibly into email systems. Everyone in government or large corporations is used to receiving petulant emails containing trivial complains or inhumanly complex revisions of the vacation time rules; without face to face discussion it can be very difficult to detect what was produced by a human and what came from a soulless automation. Some readers may remember the accidental test of GIBBERING HORROR within the Laundry's intranet last February. Rest assured that those responsible for the error have had a good talking to. Also, the Cheese Day proposal was definitely from the renegade chatbot and no HR personnel should be held responsible, honestly. How many policies, if any, are a result of GIBBERING HORROR output is restricted to need-to-know; this applies both within the Laundry and to the government in general. Human Resources is adamant that you do not need to know. Note: Still ineligible to win anything, still just posted for fun. 128: NAME: TAUTOLOGICAL INTEGER KILLER (TIKBIT) CLASSSIFICATION: PARASITIC SYMBIONT SUMMONING GRID DESCRIPTION: Outwardly a variant of the wearable health tech from which it draws its affectionate nick-name, the TIKBIT is a class 1 summoning grid device that attracts, summons and binds a lessor sub-species of the recently classified vampire parasite demon (though some have conjectured this variation is just an early life cycle expression of the same parasite). It's basically a vampire flea that subsists on the feedback grid created from microscopic samples of the wearer's blood and the electrical impulses produced by the vessel's nervous and endocrine systems. The minor chthonic entity, once bound, has a few beneficial side effects to the wearer of the TIKBIT the most impressive of which is a counter-gease and counter-glamour effect brought about by the parasite's basic assumptions that a host un-afflicted by false sensory inputs is more likely to continue to survive and therefore continue providing sustenance to the symbiont. Effectively, as long as the TIK is happily feeding on the blood samples and residual neuro-chemical EMF of the host subject, the wearer of the device is immune to most low level glamours and fiction based geases. The device is also an effective lie detector as the parasite seems to have highly unpleasant reaction to falsehoods aimed at its host. Anti-nausea medication is recommended during the initial adjustment period to wearing the TIKBIT. DEPLOYMENT Experimental and under review. Long term effects of continued usage are still under study as it seems the parasite grows stronger the longer the symbiotic relationship is maintained, simultaneously increasing 1) The power of the counter agents 2) The class of the summoning grid itself and 3) The appetite and sophistication of the parasite. It is not recommended the device be worn while sleeping as the lowered electrical output of the host can result in a dissolution of the grid. NOTE: Not sure if I can enter or if the contest is over. I'm a dual citizen of France and the USA currently residing in California. But fun to post anyway. 131: Name: COPRA Classification: Mobile defensive device, rejected. Deployment: The Circle Of Protection Rolling Apparatus was designed to offer small footprint mobile protection through areas with low level infractions while leaving the hands free or tools and weaponry. Field test have however shown that the stabilizing gyroscopic electronics interfered in unforeseen ways with the protection matrix causing the apparatus to self-immolate after contact with lesser level 3 haunts. The questionable decision to get the prototypes produced by the lowest bidder coupled with insufficient security oversight caused the plans to be copied by just about every far-east consumer goods manufacturer flooding the market with leisure mobility devices with far too much computing power built in - the heralds of CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN will surely be riding hoverboards. 135: Name: Electric Mandrake Pouch (EMP) Classification: Electromagnetic Weapon Deployment: Mandragora officinarum--the mandrake--has long been associated with magic and witchcraft. While tales of the lethality of the mandrake's cry are baseless, a research project exploring arcane folklore found an innovative application. The mandrake, when grown with hydroponics using a highly ferrous nutrient solution under a strong magnetic field, forms a natural super-capacitor. When removed from its solution, the mandrake root releases a powerful burst of electromagnetic radiation, disabling any nearby electrical devices. The project stalled after several early attempts to harvest the mandrakes resulted in the destruction of a large amount of lab equipment. Eventually, the Electric Mandrake was successfully weaponized through the introduction of a carrier pouch in which the mandrakes are grown. When they have matured, the pouches are sealed, leaving the mandrake suspended in nutrient solution. Breaking the pouch drains the fluid, exposing the mandrake root to air and causing it to release its charge. Although the strength of the charge varies based on the size of the root, the typical EMP will disable all non-shielded electrical devices within a 5 meter radius. The EMP is a single-use weapon; after deployment, the root is inert. Users are reminded that, although a used Electric Mandrake root is indeed a good source of dietary iron, it still maintains its hallucinogenic properties and should not be consumed. 136: The physical noise has been weaponized with large equipment - see the heavy metal assault of opera-loving Noriega in Panama when he was taking refuge in a church. The metaphysical assault modulates the spectrum of which psi is merely one band (per EE. Smith's 6th-level forces). It would go in a range well beyond the band of human usage, thus preventing not only human usage, but also non-human usage to communicate with humans, or cause effects in the RW (real world). I envision the first version to be basically either white noise, or rhythmic noise that affects the recipients much as one of those songs that you CANNOT GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Volume would also be modulated in the latter case, specifically to increase the frustration level of the recipient, which, of course, distracts them from the attention required for the spell. Mark -- Modern computer programming *is* magick: if you know the True Name of an entity, you can instantiate it, and make it do what you want (unless it does what you told it to do, instead). 138: Yeah, that's been making the rounds today. From here: We encode facial appearances in proprietary image descriptors and train state of the art machine learning algorithms to predict personal traits, capabilities and online behaviors. So if there is anything to it (reserving judgement due to recent surprises in machine learning:-), it's probably (cold guess without deeper investigation) related to the image descriptor encoding, probably related to this quy: David Gavriel Chief Profiler, Co-Founder Non verbal communication expert & Image Consultant with 14 years of exp. A senior lecturer throughout the world of facial and body features, body language, facial expressions, & voice recognition. That is, a collection of high-quality features can be made to work wonders with machine learning techniques. The very reasonable fear would be that a high interestingness score would be considered actionable, and that perhaps in the near future the action would be performed by automation. 140: Name: Normalised Occult Wardings (NOW) Armageddon Vol 1. Classification: Propaganda / Class 1 wards (Civilian use) Deployment: Occult MP3 recording. Following the recent review of the Magic Circle of Safety program it was noted that significant modernisation of delivery methods was needed to protect the remnant civilian population during the forecast events of CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN and similar scenarios. Following extensive research with the instrument known as LECTER and the collection of similar damned instruments of lower power held in HM Governments Scottish archives, codenamed the SCARLET CANINE collection, it was determined that it was feasible to create low powered defensive wards via MP3 recordings. The hammond organ of Amun-Ra (SPIRAL BOON) has been found to be particularly effective for this purpose. These recordings are deemed suitable for protecting non-practitioners against low grade threats such as unbound Residual Human Resources and Grade 1-2 Feeders in the Night. Accordingly sleeper Assets CHASTE PICKLE and NASTY WAISTHIGH were activated and tasked with producing the first set of recordings. In order to gain maximum acceptance across the surviving populace a wide range of demographically appropriate recordings were chosen and distributed via digital music stores.* Track listing is as follows: Don't fear the Sleeper - BLUE HADES Cult. Theme from the Damnedbusters - 666 Squadron Band Dho na Style - Psy Rolling with the Deep Ones - Adele If you dislike it (shoulda put a ring round it) - Beyond Say Bad moon rising - Human Clearance Survival In the year 2525 - Zombie and Eavens. Good News Week - Headcroppers Anonymous. Call Me, MAYDAY - Carly Rae Jepson Sundown on the Empire - Rev Schiller and the unMakers Calling OCCULUS - The Carpathians The Artists Rifles - The JDAM Bonus Video Safety Dance (CNG remix) - Men without hearts *Not on the jesusPhone store due to incompatibility with the DRM based entity currently infecting that store. 141: Let's put it this way; if I were interested in investing money in them, I would be insisting on a lot of tests of my choosing. (Which would be fair.) Guessing that the secret sauce, if it exists (guessing again that it probably it does) consists of crafted high level novel features that can be reliably extracted somehow from images. (This would allow for a generated human-readable explanation.) Could be very wrong. Toying with a version of this for the Laundry, with a different mechanism than Dirk's. I keep conflating Black Chamber style stuff with Laundry style, but the U.K. Is pretty heavily into surveillance. 142: Name: EARWORM Classification: Trans-dimensional Parasite Deployment: From all outward appearances EARWORM is in fact a worm which inhabits the ear of its victims. EARWORM is accidentally summoned by the constant listening to insipid pop-tunes by certain individuals with a predisposition to over-analysis of lyrics, and a tendency to the Mondegreening of said lyrics. Once EARWORM has been summoned it spontaneously appears within the ear canal of its victim, whereupon it crawls its way further inward until it reaches the cochlea. There it attaches its mandibles and begins to emit an incessant vibration which is interpreted as a humming of the tune to which the victim was mangling the lyrics. The effect of EARWORM is to drive its victim to distraction and cause an increased sense of agitation and paranoia. This often leads to the victim to attempt the cessation of the uncontrolled melody by the emplacement of a foreign object. Frequently the object found to be most handy is a screwdriver. This, of course, generally leads to the deceasement of the victim. 143: (Not eligible, entry purely for fun.) Name: Multi-Channel High Enochian Babble Generator (MCHEBG) Classification: Specialized Defensive Tool. (Experimental) Recent advances in RNN-based opaque language models [*] have offered increases in amount of generated sequential babble text needed for a intelligent being to recognize that the text is babble. The MCHEBG has been trained on the [REDACTED] large corpus of High Enochian. In the prototype implementation, the model is then sampled at random, and ad-hoc output filters are applied to remove dangerous babble. The resulting streams are converted to speech and output to multiple simultaneous audio streams (8 in the prototype, each with a different recognizable voice), with controllable volume, up to approximately 140 dB at 3 meters. A being subject to the audio stream and fluent in Enochian will find it difficult to concentrate. Note (1): This device was the result of a Laundry employee's 10 percent project. (The employee is since deceased, apparently due to natural causes.) It should be considered experimental; the current output filters have been deemed inadequate! Note (2): The creator also trained a cocktail-party language model, trained on a speech-to-text corpus derived from hundreds of hours of recordings captured at exclusive social events. It is considered safe, and can be used as an ambience-enhancer at social functions. [*], if you must. It's currently at the sort-of-amusing stage.:-). 145: Name: SATOSHI'S CHOICE (unhelpful nickname “Bit Bucket”) Classification: Restricted access data archive Description: Given that Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies use proof-of-work systems to demonstrate arbitrary work, naturally someone tried to cheat. [Redacted] used [redacted] quantum computing in nearby dimensions to solve the set of all Bitcoin hash values, returning to our reality an output of all possible Bitcoin hashes. Deployment is restricted not merely because Bitcoin users would quickly notice the new coins but because the Black Chamber is known to have performed the same operation and has their own copy of the archive, as do [redacted] in China. Interestingly, [redacted] detected an as yet unidentified party performing what seems to be this exact operation in 2007, before the formal introduction of Bitcoin. See also the DIE IN A FIRE report available to authorized readers. Note: Still ineligible to win anything, still just posted for fun. Also this is redundant after #63, which is a known hazard of thinking up gimmicks while away from the computer. I'm contemplating a series of rejected OFCUT apps; would anyone be interested in that theme? 146: (Not eligible, entry purely for fun. This one is a bit involved. Hopefully it's original.) Name: Mycelium-Generated Perimeter Defense Classification: Defensive Background: Laundry investigators (acting on an extremely obtuse hint from BLUE HADES) of Phanerochaete chrysosporium (a white rot fungus) found a rarely expressed genomic sequence that causes its hyphae to grow with a conductive carbon nanotube core. Further investigation by [REDACTED] found that stimulation of the hyphae with monochromatic light at precisely 873.6 nm (near IR), pulsed in a square wave at 8377 Hz, would cause the hyphae to grow into vast numbers of microscopic class 9 wards. No other control signals were found; [REDACTED] continues investigations. It is believed by [REDACTED] that ancestors of this fungus were seeded on Earth at roughly 290 Ma, and irradiated by orbital control lasers to cause it to convert planetary stocks of lignin to a very large thaumic computing engine. The purpose of this (hypothetical) device is not known; one speculation is that it was used to control the early formation of carefully tailored universes. Device description: The Pc perimeter defense kit consists of a spore sprayer, a fiber optic irradiation line for controlling growth, and a control signal generator module. Deciduous wood chips from any source are laid down in a 20 cm layer 2 meters wide, and sprayed first with water then with spores. The cable is placed on top of the perimeter. The intensity of the control signal is not critical; only enough photons to form a recognizable square wave are required. At 20 C and with plenty of moisture, the perimeter is roughly class 7 after 4 days and peaks at class 9 after roughly 23 days. The carbon nanostructures persist after the death of the fungus. 148: (ineligible american, and second entry anyway. And in keeping with OGH's habit (or is it Bob Howard's?) of ascribing magical powers to non-magical coffee anyway) NAME: CAFFEINATED BOOKWORM CLASSIFICATION: ACCELERATED LEARNING REFRESHMENT DEVICE DESCRIPTION: This device consists of a sheet-fed scanner connected to a standard commercial-grade espresso machine. A dedicated neural network ASIC processes the scanned materials and heats the steam. This process produces a beverage which in turn creates a Billington-type geas, causing the person who consumes the drink to conform to the archetype presented in the scanned materials. The geas drops in strength as the caffeine in the beverage is metabolized, with a half-life of about 5.7 hours in healthy adult humans. For instructive materials, the result is initial intense interest in the subject; if this impulse is not resisted, one day of self-instruction with 3 to 5 shots of espresso can give long-lasting proficiency equivalent to a semester of classroom instruction or 80 hours of practical experience. Use with fictional materials is forbidden by Laundry policy. Further discussion of the consequences of such use are coded CHEKHOVS CUPPA. DISCUSSION: Subject I— was a barista and doctorate candidate in english literature who exhibited an unconscious sigma-3 superpower that caused coffee shop patrons to spontaneously act out scenes from whatever book Subject I— had most recently been reading. Laundry agents detected and neutralized him, but not before several civilians, each believing themselves to be Ophelia, suffocated with lungs inexplicably full of water. (The Hamlets, Laerteses, and so forth were saved from their fate by the Laundry's timely intervention. Curiously, no Poloniouses had lost detectable amounts of blood) The neural network structure of CAFFEINATED BOOKWORM was reverse engineered based on cellular-level scans of Subject I—'s cerebral cortex, and use with instructional materials was found to be safe. 150: Name: Karelian Kantele Classification: Occult instrument Deployment: This instrument is probably related to the Erich Zahn violins, but seemingly predates them by a long margin. Only one example is known to exist, but others have been mentioned in legends. The instrument originates somewhere from the Karelian region in current Russia and Finland. The Karelian Kantele is a plucked string instrument. It is constructed from the jawbone of a large unidentified fish. It stringed with very strong hair, and the strings have not been known to break. It is reported to have a variable number of strings and it might be that it can be re-stringed according to the user’s needs. The powers of the Karelian Kantele are not fully known. It can be used to soothe and charm animals. This soothing effect seems to affect also nature as a greater concept and the instrument can also be used to command natural features by a powerful user. Some legends tell of bogs commanded to swallow opponents, but the Kantele can probably be used to command other natural features, too. It is not known if more of such instruments can be constructed. Fish large enough to serve as the basis for the instrument are rare, especially pikes which are the legendary source for the instrument. The whereabouts of the Karelian Kantele are not known. It has been used by the Finnish Occult forces in recent years, but an attempted invasion by worshippers of Norse powers is a possible reason for its disappearance. It is suspected that the owners have hidden the instrument and plan to use it agains the invaders. 152: Code Name: GIBSON PHYLACTORY Classification: Employee Retention / Disaster Recovery System Deployment: Field agents frequently engage in operations that endanger not only their physical wellbeing, but the health of their minds and souls. For reference see H&S report “Brain drain in the public sector: A statistical analysis” Until recently this was accepted as an unavoidable risk, intrinsic to the nature of Laundry operations. However advance in two areas of technology have finally enabled a mitigation solution. Combining the recent advances in neural/etheric scanning from an off site Laundry think tank, with the availability of cheap online data storage, GIBSON PHYLACTORY allows field agents to back up their souls to the cloud prior to high risk operations. In the event of irreversible soul loss and/or corruption, the agent’s soul can be restored from the most recent cloud backup. A small scale pilot of GIBSON PHYLACTORY has been initiated. It is currently stalled at the procurement stage, due to the four year limit on cloud storage contracts procured by government departments via the crown commercial services purchasing framework agreements. Suggestions that duplicated stored souls could be used as food/bribes for non cooperative interdimensional entities have been strongly rejected by the project management board. The initiator of these suggestions has been referred to HR for disciplinary action. 154: (Not eligible, entry purely for fun. This one is Elder Techno-Druid style. Hopefully original.) Name: Anisoptera Drone System (ADS) Classification: Surveilance Device Background: Acting on cryptic hints emerging from the ongoing deep multipass gnostic scan of the corpus of DNA sequences collected so far by humans, the Laundry computational biology department investigated a collection of inescapably optimal biological characteristics (at multiple scales) conserved within large clades. The flight control system of the Anisoptera (dragonflies) was found to be both optimal and conserved across the suborder, involving common neural structures, the visual system, and conserved patterns (*) on the wings (pterostigma). It is presumed that this is a remnant biotechnology left behind by an Elder Deity. A remote control system was discovered, involving targeting an individual dragonfly with a coded pulse sequence (common to the entire suborder) at approximately 340 nm (near UV; wavelength not critical) to initiate an entanglement protocol with a isomorphic Anisoptera nervous system analogue (in silicon) in the control unit. (A similar disentanglement initiation signal was found, that releases the insect from bondage after the surveillance job is complete.) Description: The ADS control unit consists of a targetable low-power UV laser with optical sights, the analogue nervous system, a heads-up display for remote viewing (compound eye visuals are mapped to the human visual schema), and controls which are mapped to directional suggestions in the analogue and thus to the dragonfly. Note: this device has not been weaponized. Consider the Apis Swarm Controller if offensive capability is required. (*) Metanote 1: not entirely sure that pterostigma are conserved; somebody needs to do a UV survey of all the species. Metanote 2: the control system is cartoonish; could use some polishing. 155: CODENAME: SAFETY SCRAMBLE NAME: Emergency Anti-Summoning Prophylactic DESCRIPTION: An experimental fast-acting hallucinogen/deliriant resulting in long-term low-grade brain damage to the hippocampus and frontal lobe. Can be ingested orally, or taken intramuscularly or through the skin. Intended to be used on civilians who are deemed likely to simulate a neural summoning grid presently (applicable to pre-PHANGs). Research suspended in 1971, related to supply chain breakdowns and efficiacy problems: a single dose may not reliably prevent or delay summoning, and the most common failure mode is instant K-syndrome. 158: CODENAME: POCKET SAVIOUR NAME: SHORT TERM PERSONAL DEFENSE UNIT, MK II DESCRIPTION: The POCKET SAVIOUR is a CLASS II OCCULT personal defensive unit and should only be issued to Laundry personnel with the relevant weapons certification. With CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN imminent it is becoming apparent to senior management that it is increasingly likely that non field trained Laundry staff may be subject to personal attacks. With that in mind, the helpful people at Q Division have created POCKET SAVIOUR. Resembling a late 1990's 'Tamagotchi' the unit is able to be carried discreetly by any personnel and will function as a normal Tamagotchi if tested. However, if all 3 buttons are pressed simultaneously the screen with alight with an active summoning glyph.One drop of blood must then be dropped onto this glyph along with the Enochian phrase **AWAKEN** being spoken. This will cause the unit to summon a corporeal class 3 entity which will defend the individual activating it for a time of no longer than 30 (thirty) seconds before being dispelled as the unit burns out. Repeated testing has shown that the entity summoned in each case, although only 18' tall and resembling something like 'A shaved cat with tentacles growing out of every orifice' (Agent CANDID), appears to be devoted absolutely to its summoner and is capable of going to quite remarkable lengths to defend them. 'It's only a little bastard but it comes out spoiling for a fight' (Agent HOMESTEAD) As a one shot defensive measure this has the advantage of giving personnel the chance to make a speedy exit from potentially threatening situations without actually engaging in combat themselves. NOTE: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should this device be activated while within an already active summoning grid as the resulting feedback caused [redacted] to [redacted] and the resulting overtime claim by janitorial staff must be offset against next year's budget allocation. Remember, someone always has to clean up the mess. 159: [Ineligible, not my first try and just for funsies. Besides, I told enough bad musical jokes last time] Name: BLUE MONDAY Class: Unconventional weaponry/Crowd control Deployment: BLUE MONDAY uses psychoacoustic techniques to manipulate the minds of anybody in the affected area - depending on the transponder, anywhere between a single individual and areas over a mile in radius. Mostly this results in emotional manipulation, which can be used to prevent riots or aid evacuation processes during a reality excursion. BLUE MONDAY is the result of many generations of work on the part of those who came before us and lived out their vocations. A degree of care is needed in deployment, as carelessness can reduce it to, in one agent's final words, 'a machine to make people dance'. Notes: We are still experimenting with effectiveness across generations, with some versions incorporating techniques classified under ROCKLIKE MAT. It should be noted that Japanese manufacturer YEEAAAHHHHH has long since ceased to be a strategic requirement here, though software-based replacements do carry some additional hazards. 160: I noticed a number of other similar ideas on skimming through the list, so I don't claim this as entirely original, but what you might want is a 'magic masking' app. I've been thinking along the lines of using an InternetOfThings (or IN-OUT for INternet Of Unmentionable Things) which uses common household devices to mimic a magician performing magic, and then spits them out into a containment grid. The interesting thing to consider is how do computers and biology differ? The neurons in a brain actually generate a clicking noise (like a geiger counter), whereas the silicon would be clicking much-much faster. Do we need to simulate the electrical activity of biology accurately, or just the compute-like behaviour? Contemplating that a bit further, what is the ratio of machine intelligence to meat intelligence we expect in the universe? I'm wondering whether in fact we'll find biological intelligence is actually quite rare. If so, why is such slow moving thoughts so attractive to advanced unspeakable alien intelligences? 161: stil not eligible, but anyway. Name: * Description: Bluetooth peripheral for Jesusphone providing localised weather disruption. Deployment: PLASTIC JESUS rides on the dashboard of deployed agent's vehicle. Note: Do not glue to dashboard as this would hinder use of PLASTIC JESUS outside of vehicle. It is recommended, when necessary, that the agent carry PLASTIC JESUS on their person when not in vehicle. To use PLASTIC JESUS one places it in an open space within range of Jesusphone's bluetooth. Using the PLASTIC JESUS app the agent can then summon a variety of cold weather phenomena; from Graupel (frozen rain) to a mild Fimbulwinter. Effectiveness of PLASTIC JESUS is dependent on atmospheric humidity levels, i.e. If the agent is near the coast, or a large body of water they will be able to summon up a larger amount of precipitation. It is not yet known how the rising of average global temperatures will affect the efficacy of PLASTIC JESUS. The localised weather disruption will remain until deactivated by the agent, or as long as the peripheral's battery maintains charge. Note also: Use of PLASTIC JESUS indoors is not necessarily recommended, however it can be quite useful when dealing with enemy agents/manifestations in tight quarters, particularly when lightning has been invoked. PLASTIC JESUS does not resemble a figurine of the supposed messiah, unless the agent issued with it is being clever. *check out the Plastic Cthulhu lyrics on the link. 162: Name: FELIX RESOLVE Classification: Field deployable wave function collapse initiator for the resolution of uncertainty when dealing with quantum entangled entities (SHADOW MAUL YELLOW). Deployment: Box, cardboard, with embedded silver protection grid. Quantum IIOIIN (Is It Or Is It Not?) poison deployment device. Some assembly required. Operative to provide subject, mammalian (mouse or larger). For use in the field to collapse the superposition of SHADOW MAUL YELLOW entities into one state (or another), thus rendering them vulnerable to standard rules devices. 163: Name: GLITTER TATTLE Classification: Defensive Anti-incursion Trigger System Description: Abstractly, GLITTER TATTLE is a simplified detection system for occult energies; unlike more sophisticated devices it does not attempt to identify or analyze anything, it only detects their presence. When activated it scans continuously for paranormal activity (useful range ~3 meters for Class II entities), and when it senses them it sends an electrical signal to trigger an attached detonator. GLITTER TATTLE is compatible with many standard British Army devices. Personnel have found many hostile entities are satisfactorily incompatible with the combination of GLITTER TATTLE and explosives. The unit physically resembles a walkie-talkie with a child's pinwheel on top and so has minimal stealth characteristics. Keep this in mind when engaging opponents clever enough to notice. Personnel with excessive exposure to unconventional effects, which is to say most people working for the Laundry, may themselves be detected by GLITTER TATTLE. For safety purposes the unit has a 30 second timer allowing the user to retreat to a safe distance after activation. Should it not be expended in action a GLITTER TATTLE unit may be detonated in place, left to deactivate itself via timer or battery exhaustion, or disarmed by a convenient bystander or 5.56mm round. Note that these last two methods, while effective and demonstrated in the field, are not considered best practice. Note: Still ineligible to win anything, still just posted for fun. Also this basic idea isn't original with me anyway. On the other hand, this is the sort of thing the Laundry's hands-on people would probably use. 164: Name: WANDERING SALESMAN PROBLEM Classification: Rejected OFCUT app, Class 4 Glamour Description: Field operatives are frequently required to use their social engineering skills to accomplish mission goals; it is only reasonable to give them whatever support we can to better prepare them for the challenges they face. The WANDERING SALESMAN PROBLEM glamour is designed to make bystanders well disposed towards and compliant with the user; technically speaking it works perfectly. The hazards of attempting direct control over the thoughts and wills of humans and similar entities are well known and you need look no further than your warrant card to see a geas in action – or a ward against a geas. WANDERING SALESMAN PROBLEM evades all usual ward protections by not even attempting mind control; instead it covers awkward reality in a convincing and comforting illusion. The user of WANDERING SALESMAN PROBLEM appears to be a plausible authority figure telling the observers things that sound reasonable. This perception is subjective to every observer; other observers and the user can only know what the subject sees and hears by their reactions. Happily, anyone using WANDERING SALESMAN PROBLEM finds other people agreeable and rarely hostile; on the other hand, since the user has no idea who the subject thinks they are or what the subject thinks they're saying, actually producing any useful behavior from others can be nearly impossible. Note: Still ineligible to win anything, still just posted for fun. Also this basic idea isn't original with me anyway. 165: John, your entry reminds me of a device we invented in our RPG sessions (ineligible entry etc) Name: Exo-Pen Classification: Anti-exonome autoinjector Deployment: This single-use injector, physically similar to the commercial EpiPen™, can be used by trained and untrained individuals in the event of exonome (demonic) possession. If used within the first 5 minutes after exposure, the survival rate is over 90% for possession by entities level 2 or lower, and over 75% for level 3 entities. The Exo-Pen payload consists of artificial blood platelets inscribed with nanoscale banishment circuits, plus epinephrine to reduce the incidence of fatal cardiac arrest caused by the departing demon. Special note: Pursuant to PROTOCOL NIGHTMARE GREEN, the Exo-Pen shall be an element of the standard gear ('every day carry') for all Laundry staff regardless of official field clearance status during the continuing emergency. Use of banishment rounds to the hand or foot as a first response to apparent possession is now grounds for disciplinary action. 167: Name: Norsass Classification: Weapon / Computer Network. Security Codename only: Codename PIPE RATTLER Description: The existence Norsass is not to be reveal to BLUE HADES asests under under circumstances. The Norsass system is a clear violation of the Bethnic Treaty - or - would be if anyone knew of it. TEAPOT was the only last surviving member of the oversight team, the implementation team have all suffering K-syndrome events, it is unknown at this time if this was related to work in this project. First some background; at the beginning of the Nineties and number of (otherwise Mundane) defence contractors where looking for alternative markets, and the offshore oil industry was a common target market. The curve of CPU power availability at the time made this a rich time, (or difficult if you are trying to control the salary budget) for laundry recruitment. Many of the influx came from technical staff of defensive companies who had already signed section 2. These personnel could be easily signed up to section 3, wand left in there current posts. It became evident to the Laundry bureaucracy the amount of computing hardware that defence companies targetting the oil industry proposed to install on the bed of the North Sea. Nothing was done to stop it. Rather some additional Dho-Nha firmware payloads were added these devices, originally intending for seismic monitoring, monitoring of pipeline and the health of the support structures, they could as a result of this addition payload also [redacted] and [redacted]. Unfortunately due to the limitations of the technology at the time of deployment there is option for remote update of the firmware of these devices. As a result all personel must take utmost care not to trigger the BLUE SPARK or INDIGO JAIL functions. 168: (Not eligible, entry purely for fun. Crypto is difficult if P = NP and extra-dimensional entities can attack the hardware!!! Really needs a few days more baking but here goes. Any too-close approximations of real-world mechanisms are unintended.) Name: L4855M Secure Personal Role Radio (SPRR) Classification: Secure Field Communications Device description: This device is a Laundry redesign of the H4855 Personal Role Radio (PRR), modified to cryptographically secure the spread spectrum communications; outwardly and functionally it strongly resembles the PRR. The tamper detection and response mechanisms are loosely based on the Black Chamber redesign of U.S. Permissive action links; this design responds to both physical and metaphysical tampering, including tampering which alters device physics. Detailed device description: Three large one-time pads are written into the three warded solid state tamper-responding one-time pad stores of each of the linked SPRRs before the start of the mission. The three key streams are combined with the communication data-stream in a warded tamper-responding circuit. An additional warded tamper responding envelope surrounds these; this outer envelope detects and responds both to metaphysical attacks and to the usual suite of purely physical attacks. The individual pad store wards are randomly chosen from (roughly) opposing corners of the ward space n-cube, and attacking entities should encounter difficulties breaking at least one of the wards. Each ward is 'stressed' such that when and if it breaks, an electric current is generated, that activates the Laundry-designed mechanism; in addition to initiating the usual irreversible chemical reaction destroying the pad store, it also releases from stasis a microscopic class 1 infovore hyper-parasite [2] that is limited in the amount of information that it can consume before self destructing in a burst of multi-spectrum noise. The parasite consumes the key pad while the pad is being physically destroyed by ZnO/Al thermite, and the parasite is then fed delicious noise until it too explodes. The tamper response for the outer package also actives these KZ subsystems if tampering is detected. [1] Note: Laundry armament division crypto joke. [2] Metanote: An info-mite on an info-tick on an invovore. Metanote: I suspect that the spread-spectrum communications are subject to a (cough) temporal flow rate differentials denial of service attack. Not sure though. Other denial-of-service attacks are almost certainly possible. Metanote: Woot! No [REDACTED] tags needed. 169: Probably dont need the laser shenanigans if you go with pre-entangled dragonflys kept in a little stasis ward. This is true, but I liked the hundreds of Ma backstory, and in that backstory, a Very Elder Techno Druid empathizes with all organisms so I figured it would go with a mechanism where it borrowed a dragonfly's mind (and sensory apparatus) only for the time it was needed. Sort of a wildlife manager, strictly non-interference except for occasionally noticing evolution on a ridge between two chasms and nudging it (hoping its fellow managers are not watching) into the one with the optimal bottom. 170: Telepresence Zombie RHR can be used in a variety of ways. Here's another one! Simply entangle yourself with the beasties running a RHR (with a few safeguards to stop you getting RHR'd yourself through the link) and Bob's your network engineer! Slow-moving but quite hard to destroy, these remote zombies can be used in any situation where personal safety would be a consideration! Known side effects include brain cravings, a tendency to moan randomly, and the feeling of writhing snakes in the eyeballs. These are harmless and might go away eventually. 172: Name: Stanley's Knife Classification: Occult Object Place and Date of Origin: Glastonbury, Somerset; mid-late 1980s (estimated) Description: 6' Retractable Utility Knife with a three-position retractable blade made of carbon alloy steel, interlocking nose to hold blade securely, and blade storage in precision die-cast zinc body. Cuts cleanly and precisely for a range of craft and hobby uses, including construction of wicker effigies and corn dollies. Used with care, can also cut to 0.5 mu depth through the epidermis of this reality, which can then be peeled back to create a concealed pocket for small objects; when resealed, visible only to those with magically-enhanced vision as a slightly bulge in the space-time fabric. Laundry technical support suggests the theoretical possibility of cutting out a large enough flap to conceal larger objects or even a person, but strongly recommends Not Doing This. No, Not Even Then, due to the risks of cutting right through reality rather than just its outer surface. This is at least one of the possible explanations for the continuing disappearance of the knife's original owner, Mr Stanley Jevons of Pillbrook Farm, East Pennard. Detailed examination of the knife has identified no charms or binding rituals that could explain its power. However, scanning at the quantum level reveals a striking fractal pattern along the blade, apparently caused by the evaporation of an as-yet unknown substance into which it had been dipped some time earlier. 173: CODENAME: VISCERATE REALITY CLASSIFICATION: JOLLY-SENSITIVE, Laundry eyes-only BACKGROUND: Although RIFT OF OCCULUS [Ref 2] showed considerable early promise, the hand signals used by ROO lusers to interact via MS Kinect with entities in the virtual environment unfortunately resembled a set of hitherto unknown tentacle-gestures that apparently supplemented certain verbalisations in Old Enochian (including [REDACTED], [REDACTED] [REDACTED] and “**You and whose Army**?”). VR technology is therefore being temporarily withdrawn from field use until the Demonological Linguistics sign-language department has completed PROJECT HOVERCRAFT EELS and the BLUE HADES ambassador has accepted (again) that a Laundry trials team mis-gestured. The Auditors have also raised concerns about the problems of compartmentalising internal Laundry weapons research (notably the failure to communicate lessons identified following the similarly botched introduction of the D.U.K Mk 1 [ref 40]). DEPLOYMENT: However, the basic concept VR continues to have merit. In particular, VR has the potential to attract new cadres of generation-Z field operatives, who, CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN notwithstanding, represent the future human resources of the Laundry. Training Dept are therefore pleased to announce the VISCERATE REALITY learning content management system. This innovative pedagogical technology will accelerate the acquisition of the required competences by millennial recruits, replacing the frankly archaic training process which is currently based on apprenticeship, patronage and long periods of CBT punctuated by multiple EXERCISE DEEP END on-the-job field education events. Appropriate use of synthetic thaumaturgy will better prepare recruits for the horrors of field operations and allow trainees to mission-rehearse high-risk tasks in a (relatively) benign environment. Critics doggedly argue that no form of simulation can adequately recreate the ‘fog-of-sulphur’ that characterises the modern demonological battlespace. Following principles developed by SOE teams for conventional ops, VISCERATE REALITY training will therefore be used as part of a blended-learning progression culminating in one-off EXERCISE DEEP END certification events. This approach will ensure a reduced but continual stream of inputs into Residual Human Resources (one key outcome of the current trainee streaming process). 174: [non-eligible 2nd entry] Name: Magic Circle Line of Safety Classification: Class 10 Defensive and Containment Ward Deployment: Following the successful completion of the the ancillary works documented in the top secret annexe of the Crossrail PFI agreement classified NORTHERN JUBILEE, Laundry Occult Engineering teams have confirmed the MCLS is now fully operational. Upon activation in its defensive configuration MCLS is expected to provide protection for the residents of Central London within a radius approximately equivalent to that of the old circular version of the Circle Line. It is expected to resist assaults from entities with a classification up to Weakly-Godlike. Speculation about the purpose of the containment configuration is strongly discouraged and limited to those with GOD GAME STOMP clearance. The system is powered via sympathetic entanglement* with the Oyster Card system bleeding off the surge of resentment every commuter feels as they tap in and out. Signal cleansing is necessary for the bursts of joy that are picked up from school field trips and visits to grannies house. An MCLS codenamed BULL RING is expected to be online in 2017 for the Midlands. Plans for additional MCLS installations for Edinburgh and Manchester have been abandoned after agents deployed class 5 geases but still failed to gain approval for useful topological configurations from local planning officers. *Note unconsciously borrowed the power source from Good Omens, consciously decided it was too good to drop. 175: Name: NIDHUG (Non-equilibrium Information Disruptor, Heisenberg Uncertainty Generator) Classification: Defensive weapon (only to be used as second-last resort) Background: All reality is structured information; information cannot be destroyed but it can be seriously buggered about with. NIDHUG comprises a tube of glass capped with a portal at either end, tapping into a flux of plasma moving at relativistic velocity. Deployment: In its rest state, NIDHUG comprises a tube glowing with Cerenkov radiation - this by itself can be used as a light when all else fails (such as to find your torch) but owing to its propensity to attract thaumovores, it is generally advisable to keep it covered up in a NIDHUG sock. To activate it, however, it is necessary to run the embedded Information Kinetic Energy Analyser which solves the exact velocity of all enclosed particles - this results in a positional uncertainty which can be directed at the threat facing the Laundry agent. Hopefully this will disrupt or nullify the threat, (say, by turning it into a bowl of petunias) but, because of the inherent uncertainty, it could magnify the threat so should only be used in cases of great peril. In principle, the tube could be converted into a directed particle beam weapon by removing the exit portal but all experiments in this direction have resulted in the vapourisation of the user area as well as that of the threat, rendering it a technique of last resort. 176: Name: F-Claymore Classification: defensive counter measure Background: as new technology develops constantly the average time spent as a current geek shortens and the length of time we each will spend as 'old techies/fogeys' is increasing. Hence old techies are getting as common as superheroes and just as boring. Deployment: On detecting an old techie, the agent / young whippersnapper triggers the f-claymore which inflates into an attractive young Lady geek who is happy to listen and keep the OT occupied whilst the agent coompletes his task. The device is powered by entangling a minor compulsion entity with any article about Dr Who assistants. I represent that remark (thirty years at the codeface and counting). Mark well the motto of the mature: 'Age and treachery will always triumph over youth and vigour' Anyway, being a secure and confident middle-aged type, unlikely to indulge in any mid-life crises, I'm at the point of viewing all young ladies as potential daughters-in-law, nothing more.Granted, you could distract me by allowing me to riff on the delights of watching Star Trek on the BBC in the early 1970s, on televisions where you had to cross the room to change to one of the other two channels; or on watching Star Wars on its original cinema release (Han shot first, dammit). Or do I just harumph, and rustle my Daily Telegraph furiously? 186: Note: I'm still ineligible to win anything, still just posted for fun. Also this is humorous rather than field ready. Name: PIGEON POST Classification: Rejected OFCUT app: instant messaging program Description: A harsh reality of the mundane modern world is that it is very hard to ensure secure communications, even between technically knowledgeable and modestly funded parties. Among the many answers to this problem is the PIGEON POST application. With modern hardware it is perfectly possible to summon a Class I entity and bind it to obedience with a minor and short lived geas. Arbitrary extradimensional entities are called, bound, impressed with small messages (version 1.2 supports up to 166 bytes) and sent back – until they are called again by another phone running PIGEON POST. Anticipated from the beginning was not merely the possibility but the certainty of man-in-the-middle attacks, some of them by things very unlike men indeed. To answer that, encryption is always employed and the software allows for upgrading the encryption code as necessary. Nevertheless, personnel are advised to use English or other ordinary languages whenever possible; Enochian is right out. The testing phase revealed another challenging matter, which is that the messages received are not necessarily the ones that originated in this universe. This is believed to be an addressing problem which could be solved with further research; in the meantime users should watch for subtly incorrect messages which might be confusing. For example, “I'm on the noon zeppelin from Londinium” is obviously incorrect, while “I'll meet you at 6pm” is plausible even when our universe's colleague wishes to meet at seven. Any similarities between the message capacity of PIGEON POST and a publicly available bird-themed messaging service is entirely coincidental. 187: Name: CAR ALARM Classification: Rejected OFCUT program module Description: It is possible to write a recursive function that will search through nearby dimensions and return just enough arbitrary information to seed the next iteration of the loop. In the CAR ALARM code this is used to generate high quality random numbers; like an actual car alarm the code's behavior cannot be predicted by anything observable in this universe. While random numbers are useful this algorithm's slow execution speed, not to mention high computational and paranormal overhead, limit its use outside the laboratory. In the field conventional pseudorandom algorithms have the advantage. Note: Still ineligible to win anything, still just posted for fun, still silly. 189: Name: CARD Decks (Civilian Attack: Recovery & Denial) Classification: CaaS/CCG: counter magic class Deployment: Triggered by the incident at the 1998 (and final) UK Comic Art Convention the 2001 International CaaS/CSG treaty forbids the use of Collectable Card Games (CCGs) to instantiate distributed summoning computations in the general public. Unfortunately since several are still extant such 'Civilians as a Service' attacks are still possible. While they are substantially slower than electronic or mechanically based computational engines, the high parallelism & distributed nature of classic CaaS/CCG attacks provide an unacceptably high attack surface if left unpatched. To counteract this a variety of CARD packs targeted at the most popular CCGs have been created & distributed. These premium packs have class 2 glamours as part of their holographic foils — ensuring high acquisition and retention rates by collectors (the primary exit nodes for CaaS/CCG based attacks). Each card in the pack has an embedded piezoelectric layer for power. Any live CaaS/CCG attack will sympathetically trigger a Dho-Nha curve embedded in the artwork. This will cause a brief, terminal, and (unless precautions were made) explosive connection to a modified Minkowski space. While large scale testing has obviously not been possible estimated casualties from a successfully triggered CARD countermeasure event run between 0.5-1.5% of players of any particular CCG (e.g. Countering an attack on the Magic the Gathering CCG will only cause 30-90k civilian deaths). Considering the alternative, more than acceptable. Supplementary notes: There is no direct evidence that Magic The Gathering's CaaS exploits were deliberately engineered by creator Richard Channing Garfield. However, considering the long history of inter-generational indoctrination in colonial occult societies, the fact that he was both the great-great-grandson of known Black Chamber member President James A. Garfield and the great-nephew of the inventor of the paperclip is highly suspicious. Further investigations into possible CaaS exploits in other CCGs by the same author are ongoing. 190: [not an entry, got that in ages ago] Codename: JOY DIVISION Classification: Covert manipulation and assassination tool Description: Employs a geas on two people with an intimate relationship, with variable strength resulting in anything from a disagreement to one or both parties' deaths by varying levels of violence. Care must be taken about the social environment in which JOY DIVISION is employed. In the event that a greater number of people are caught by the geas, its strength grows. For a narrowly-averted near-worst-case scenario, see the series of events classified under BLOODY MUD, CORPSEFIELDS and DA HOOL. The perpetrator is thankfully now working for RHR with all equipment confiscated. We are not the only ones with this tool. Agents interacting with US occult agencies are advised not to make reference to 'the time the SEALs went clubbing and didn't come back'. 191: NAME: CUBICLE BLISS CLASSIFICATION: Regulation enforcer / morale booster DEPLOYMENT When multiple algorithms researchers share close-quarters, work may be disrupted by neighboring experiments that are non-compliant with workplace regulations on maximal thaumaturgic radiation. CUBICLE BLISS detects incoming thaumaturgic signals and emits complementary-phase signals to exclude propagation from zones occupied by competent researchers engaging in experiments that should not be disrupted by a ritual magic 'Hello World' (or worse, responses). While CUBICLE BLISS superficially resembles noise canceling headphones that have had the microphones and speakers replaced by thaumometers and oscillatory pentacles respectively, it is actually an advanced research prototype whose development is implicitly sanctioned under HR regulation H267.12(iii). CUBICLE BLISS 1.0 will eschew the exposed wire aesthetic of the current prototype and will incorporate a back-propagating geas to work on projects within one's skill level, such as making coffee. During ongoing development, all inquirers will be issued a complimentary sample of T-metal foil. T-metal conducts stray thaumaturgic radiation and in sufficient quantities could likely provide a high degree of shielding. The complementary sample is large enough to shape into a jaunty hat. 192: NAME: CUBICLE BLISS LOL The nitty-gritty of office planning where noise other than acoustic [1] is a concern. A few things: (1) I've noticed for a long time (Bose quiet comfort 1 vintage) that good acoustic noise cancelling headphones take the emotional edge off of overheard office conversations; they are more easily ignored. (This is personal experience though.) Perhaps a similar approach could be taken with thaumaturgic noise reduction technologies, to reduce disruptivness. (2) Offices, and especially open plan offices and cube farms, do make some efforts to dampen audio noise pollution. One presumes that the Laundry uses shielding techniques to limit thaumaturgic noise pollution, even in mixed-use offices, where practitioners and non-practitioners mingle. (3) Individuals need to be directly informed that they are generating thaumaturgic noise (or worse, being reckless), informally at first (e.g. By co-workers), and training/classes suggested/provided as needed. This is basic office procedure. In a mixed-use office, they might not even know or fully believe that they are generating disruptive noise, and may not have had the usual sensitivity training, e.g. Due to overly-restrictive need-to-know rules. [1] Another area where noise is a problem for offices is networking. Particularly in an office environment where reckless experimentation is the norm (familiar to anyone else?), office networks are often disrupted with noise of various sorts, often (or usually) by accident. 193: Memo to IT Staff: Technical Debt Management Procedure Summary: The TEDEUM system is to be standard procedure for IT development projects in __________ from ________. Background: TEDEUM is a joint project of IT, Human Resources, Financials and Facilities Management. It is anticipated that implementation of TEDEUM will resolve many of our severe IT development problems and reduce project completion times. TEDEUM is an adaptation of Financials' DORIAN debt escrow system. This system has been used successfully to displace and defer debt liabilities to less risky vehicles. All new IT projects are now to include a TEDEUM phase before programming begins. Existing projects will be reviewed as to the suitability of implementing TEDEUM within them. Full procedures are outlined in In brief: At the commencement of an approved project, the programming team will attend a TEDEUM onboarding session. This will require full time attendance for three days of sitting during which the TEDEUM instruments are painted in oils. Once the TEDEUM instruments are dry and otherwise prepared, they are stored securely at _______. No further access is permitted until the end of the project. During development, TEDEUM automatically stores technical debt in the stored instruments. This should accelerate project completion with no degradation in programming quality - project improvement statistics estimates are given in detail in As redeeming the TEDEUM instruments is very costly, following project delivery, the TEDEUM instruments remain under storage and are not to be viewed until project sunset. Refer to HR policies on Early Retirement and Disability for cases where TEDEUM instruments are accessed before maturity. On project sunset, the TEDEUM instruments are to be destroyed. Given their sensitivity, risk to the organisation, and newness, TEDEUM instruments are initially not to be traded. At a later time, this will be reviewed. The Office is in talks with extending and implementing a civilianised version of TEDEUM for other government holders of large volumes of technical debt (notably Health Department payroll systems, public transport payment systems). Naturally this project will incur large technical debts and will require a considerable quantity of TEDEUM instruments. WARNING: under no circumstances are TEDEUM instruments to be used for the storage of personal technical debts, financial debts or moral lapses. Penalties are outlined in the master policy document. 194: [ineligible: amongst other reasons, not my first entry] Codename: CLIPPY RELOADED Classification: Security-critical Inventory Management Usage: CLIPPY RELOADED is a smartphone application used to catalogue potential information leaks using the serial numbers introduced after the HR incident now classified as CHARLIE FOXTROT PAPERCLIP (not to be confused with Operation Paperclip). The user simply takes a photo of the item in question, which is then sent on to hard copy archives for proper accounting. Under the present circumstances, we are unable to discuss the rumoured disposal functionality purportedly available to cleared agents. All staff are reminded that use of CLIPPY RELOADED is strictly mandatory and anyone forgetting to do so will be subject to audit. Thankfully, CLIPPY RELOADED offers frequent user-friendly notifications that will be sure to make this an easy and pleasant experience. 195: Alas, Scott, I fail to see the relevance of your comment. Having just reread the Niven work you cite, its connection to NIDHUG seems tenuous at best. I was remembering Niven's thought experiment of a stacked teleportation gate system. He settled on iron filings as his medium, as they would be stable in a vacuum (potentially steerable without contact by magnetic fields, too). Positioning the cascade at one of the rotational poles does seem like the only practical site, for reasons given; it's potentially both a remarkable weapon and a silly yet plausible propulsion system. No setting with FTL jump drives seems to use gravitational maneuvering much. 197: (Not eligible, entry purely for fun. Another Very Elder Techno Druid/Superintelligence/Deity one. Needs a lot more baking, like a few thousand years. Also, it's a research project, not a device.) Name: Project O'Keeffe Classification: Research Program Executive Summary The goal of Project O'Keeffe is construction of computational models that will allow magic of some types that are normally performed by a mind hosted in a biological brain to be performed without subjecting the brain of a living organism to the risk of progressive K-syndrome degradation. [1] Description: Insect consciousness took an interesting turn with Entomophily (insect pollination) of early angiosperms at about 125 Ma, and the subsequent rapid co-evolution of insect-pollinated angiosperms and insects. Evolution explored a significant fraction of the space of possible simple configurations for focused attention by a mind. The project (in the Laundry computational biology department) is systematically compiling a map of the full space of focused attention in insects, including attention drawn by nectar guides, appealing shapes, appealing scents, and pheromones. A recent additional investigative agenda, spurred by significant performance improvements in neurosystem modeling, is starting similar work in Aves (bird) consciousness. The aim of the initial sub-project is the systematic modeling of hummingbird attraction to flowers. Validation of all results (for both insects and birds) is done using high-fidelity nervous system models; the goal is to operationalize these models in devices carried by field operatives. Metanote: Motivated by too much staring at flowers in a hand lens this weekend, and imagining being an insect pollinator of very small mind. [1]: Yes, the Laundry management considers simulated nervous systems to have certain ethical advantages over meat-based nervous systems. The primary argument is that backup can be done prior to any magical operation, then restore done if any K-Syndrome damage is detected. 198: (Not eligible, entry purely for fun. Pure Laundry-style, this one is. The logic-talk is a bit babbelish; I've never studied such logics.) Name: Mentat Worms Classification: Temporary Intelligence Augmentation Executive Summary A simple K-Space feeder worm consumes illogical thoughts and excretes roughly isomorphic logical thoughts. Roughly, it feeds on stupidity and excretes intelligence. These entities have been operationalized, including on-demand summoning and dismissal. Description: These feeder worms, code named 'Mentat Worms', excrete thoughts roughly representable in a particular doxastic logic of utility in K-Space, (unimaginatively) dubbed KS-Logic. See [REDACTED] for details. They can feed on any other sort of thought but have a particularly strong appetite for illogic, irrationality and generally for sloppy thinking. The worm's digestive system performs a best effort mapping of the sloppy thinking to correct thinking and excretes the result. When one or more of these worms shares a mind, sloppy thinking is quickly (over approximately 10 seconds for a single worm) converted to very logical and correct thinking; given roughly correct estimates of the correctness of inputs, the resulting thinking is of extremely high quality. They can be bound to and unbound from a particular mind with a simple apparatus. Care should be taken in the selection of host beings; those with poorly ordered thought processes may suffer from a temporary loss of identity and motivation when occupied by Mentat Worms. Warning: operational orders and similar guidance should be formally expressed in KS-logic! 199: Codename: PAPER SHIELD Classification Infiltration/Defensive ward Description and deployment The device is constructed as an old fashioned clipboard, containing a ward circuit wired within the body and connected to the metal clip. A page with an incomplete activation diagram is prepared and clipped to the board.[ Note: please ensure the top lines of the diagram are touching the clip]. To activate the user draws a line, historically using a lead ( not graphite) pencil but now usually with metallic ink, between two marked spots thus completing the diagram circuit. Once activated the device generates an extremely powerful, localised ward which does not render the user invisible but consciously unnoticeable to any human physically present. Thus onlookers will not react in any way to anything the user does, but will for example walk around the user and be unaware that they have done so. There are a number of weaknesses to this device: Once activated the user must maintain skin contact with the device: releasing it will terminate the ward (apparent from slight charring of the activation page under the clip) and a fresh activation page is required. Physical degradation of the page with the activation diagram may also terminate the ward. It must therefore be protected with rain or fluids generally. Only the person holding the device at the time it is activated can use the device, the ward does not extend to anyone e.g. Holding onto the user. While it is theoretically possible for multiple persons to hold the device at activation, this is generally impractical, and any one person releasing the device will terminate the ward. The user will be visible on remote video, but someone physically present will fail to see to user on a live screen or on immediate playback just as with the naked eye. Once the ward is deactivated or no longer present, there will be no impairment of ability to see the user on a recording. If someone outwith the area sees the user on video and communicates to someone within the area of effect, the listener will literally not comprehend what the unaffected person is saying about the user. Finally even comparatively weak protective wards will protect from the effects of PAPER SHIELD and non-humans will be unaffected. This may in fact be used to advantage, as anyone reacting to the user is obviously warded or non-human. However some practitioners will be able to recognise the energy discharge from the device and feign not to notice the user, so this ploy does carry risks. Availability: This device has been in use for over a century, and therefore is known to all OCCINT agencies as well as some practitioners. There is a ready supply of boards in Laundry inventory, and activation diagrams can be printed on demand avoiding the risks of error from drawing these by hand. 200: Codename: PERTINENT SEGMENT Classification: Employee risk surface minimization Deployment: The recent trend for activity tracking devices, constantly transmitting the location, physical motion and heart-rate of the wearer to cloud locations via pathways which are not always secure [1], should never have been permitted to spread among Laundry employees. This became evident during case IMPLAUSIBLE RHINOCEROS, when twenty-seven junior employees taking part in the [REDACTED] marathon were devoured by a rogue BLUE HADES agent equipped with subcutaneous Bluetooth sensors, believing itself to be exacting justified revenge for an eggmate's death on a joint exercise with armed Laundry employees. Said agent went unnoticed in the crowd of runners, its 4 metre height and extensive scaly tentacles being dismissed as exceptionally creative fancy dress considered likely to 'feel like a serious mistake come mile 20'. The agent was in fact neutralised at mile 19 by a joint assault team of Laundry and BLUE HADES agents, with the unfortunate further loss of three St John's Ambulance volunteers attempting to apply vaseline to its cadaver before it could be recovered. Heads have already rolled among those with oversight for the employees concerned, that of [REDACTED] from Human Resources achieving a year's best of 4200 rpm. It was, however, noted that employee survival time after encounter was strongly correlated with recorded activity levels over the previous month, with the most active individual surviving a full fourteen seconds from initial encounter and reaching a speed of slightly over 12 mph. His wages have been retroactively docked for hours logged as 'field training' actually spent running in circles around [REDACTED]. (Employees are reminded any such circles should be clockwise. Enough said). The only stronger correlation was with training in disguise and glamour perception; the rogue agent was halted thanks to an SOS message from an employee who noted the absence of either some 30 seconds before the end of her career. Accordingly, the new PERTINENT SEGMENT tracker will in future be worn by all employees with regular field duties likely to involve non-vehicular evasion of third parties. Secure Blackfang technology will return data directly to Laundry servers at intervals for comparison with minimal standards to be set out in further communication. PERTINENT SEGMENT contains zero-heart-rate triggered sensors to assess transformation to zombie or vampire and [REDACTED] to ensure either continued loyalty of the undead employee to the Laundry or, in the worst case, terminal prevention of subornment. Employees are reminded to ensure the heart rate sensor is correctly placed to avoid accidental zero readings; one beta tester may still be telling inconvenient lies about falling asleep on the beach on a Caribbean holiday for months. [1] though in fairness Garmin at least did tighten things up after this report came out. 201: Ineligible, wrong continent. Just having fun. NAME Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant CLASSIFICATION String BACKGROUND With the increasing ease of performing magic there is an ever increasing risk of security breaches due to entanglement/contagion of personal items, either deliberate or inadvertent. Lanyards from which identification badges are suspended, being mass-produced and mass-marketed items in intimate contact with a critical item, one's official identification token, are an obvious threat surface. DEPLOYMENT All personnel, mandatory, IMMEDIATELY upon receipt of their Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant. Use of any other type of badge holder after having been issued a Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant, is a disciplinary offense. The Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant, will be issued to personnel in descending order of security clearances held. They are being issued as quickly as they can be manufactured. There is no initial charge for an employee's first Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant, but the time and expense of the Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant's manufacture [1] will be reflected in a replacement fee of £532.75 if it is lost or damaged [2]. [1] Manufacture of each Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant requires, among other resources, the neck hair and ritual sacrifice of a yearling goat raised in isolation in an individual single-occupancy meadow. The sale of the byproducts of this operation as certified-organic free-range goat meat as part of the maintenance of the operation's cover does not not come close to covering the operation's costs. [2] Note that [2a] Washing the Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant will adversely affect the Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant's occult attack resistance. Fortunately doing so is unnecessary; beta testers report that within a few days of receiving their Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant, they stopped noticing the smell. [2b] In accordance with contemporary industrial safety standards, the Lanyard, Identification Badge Holding, Occult Attack Resistant's cord has a maximum breaking force of 20 Newtons (approximately two kilogram weight equivalent.). 202: Off topic, today is closest approach Mars to Earth until 2018, about 4.2 light minutes. Or if that doesn't work, first google hit on query mars distance wolfram alpha It is satisfyingly planet-like when viewed through even a modest telescope. Visually (as viewed from Earth:-) it is near Antares (Scorpio) and Saturn is to the east. (The trope mentioned upthread is roughly (with other variations) that one or both Martian moons is a machine intelligence core surrounded by a moon-appearing skin, that moved in from the outer system (waiting for 4.5 billion years) when it became clear that hominids were evolving into something potentially interesting that might require more rapid reaction time. So == Very Old Tech. Always figured that the whole early Mars-is-bad-luck-to-probes thing was a deliberate red herring, but hey.:-). 207: Ineligible, south of the wrong continent. Name: Regular Programming Disruption Clasification: Glamour class seven Background: This is one of the few invocations that uses a rectangular summoning grid. It was discovered in the field by members of the invisible collage and developed once live TV become ubiquitious. It uses 22 ritual practitioners inside a rectangular summoning grid to create a class seven glamour field. If the grid is broken it diminishes the power of the glamour. It compells most of the population to watch the 90 minutes show, it also compells them to make the ones that are resistant to watch the damn game with a boring face and annoying questions. Deployment: It is deployed in regularly scheduled incursions (you didn't see the huge tentacles over London during the last Wold Cup, did you?). Occult Inteligence Agencies compete between them to obtain the best practitioners using clubs as a front. The Black Chamber has been using different variations of this summoning rig since US population seems naturally resistant to the standard variation. 208: Holy shit, Greg! That's worse than linking to TV Tropes, I'm seriously in danger of loosing my entire afternoon to this! Initial analysis: 1) Certainly sounds like HB/CD/NN (obseession with time, alternate pasts and futures, conspiracies, Nazis, CIA and black ops, and the number three, all certainly point in that direction; style is much more readbale prose though -- kind of like someone took the dictionary away from Lovecraft before he went really purple, and considerably less confrontational/agressive). 2) Assuming the it is indeed our (much missed?) interlocutor from an altered-state, three possibilities: a) It's the continuation of a pretty epic bit of performance art (which could also be interpreted as trolling). B) The author(s) really believes what they're saying. (The LSD obsession and constant calims to self-experiementation, fracturing of the mind, etc, do seem to lend weight to this possibility.) In which case, roll your own tinfoil hat, or shrug and get on with your day. C) They are genuinely off their meds (I'm inclined to dismiss this one -- the consistency and coherence of the whole thing is too good). 3) Don't click Greg's link unless you're intending to step into a fleshy rabbit hole. (Read the posts, get the reference.). Last updated June 13, 2017 Want to find the best Bitcoin cloud mining contracts? This post has you covered. Most Bitcoin Cloud Mining Companies are Scams Like the heading says, most cloud mining contracts are scams. Because it’s easy for companies to take peoples’ money, and then not pay out. A company can claim to be a cloud mining company without any proof of actually owning any hardware. So remember: 99% of cloud mining companies are scams. Which Companies Are Not Scams? There is only one cloud mining company we are willing to recommend on this site:. Just because they are not scams, however, does not mean that you will make a profit by buying contracts. Note: You need a wallet to receive payouts to. 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Best Ethereum cloud mining providers • has been involved with cryptocurrencies since the inception of Bitcoin and has years of experience in the field of mining cryptocurrencies. This Estonian company is now also offering Ethereum mining plans with no maintenance fees. Also, the minimum order amount and the hash rate is very low (100 KH/s with the price of 2.2 USD), so you can start with low investment and see how it goes. Use Hashflare discount code 2018 HF17QWL22TR4 for a 4% discount (over 1000$ only). • is the largest and most trusted Bitcoin cloud mining provider in the world, now also running Ethereum mining plans. They provide all the information about their services, they are actively involved in the community and they even have a live stream of their mining farms. If you sign up through link, you will get a discount on existing Ethereum mining prices. 3% discount code: zKcyxP We have mining contracts with these three mining companies and as long as they are on this list above, they pay every day and are reliable! Is Ethereum cloud mining profitable? Mining profitability depends on a few different factors, related to cloud mining the most important two are Ethereum market price and of course cloud mining price. In general, you just need to compare how much you pay to rent the hardware and how much coins you get in return. Calculators give you an estimate of your projected profit. However, they can not 100% predict the future, especially not the Ether price. Some cloud mining providers already give you an estimate of return on investment with their pricing and costs data already filled in, so please check individual providers websites. Update on Ethereum cloud mining profitability – January 8, 2018 Our mining plan at has 25 MH/s mining power and gives us 3.4 US$ daily (ETH price stands at 1100$ and there are no maintenance or electricity fees). Currently, you pay for the same contract 550$. If Ether price and difficulty stay the same, payback time for this cloud mining plan is less than 6 months. As a contract lasts a year, you are 6 months in profit. Plan has a payback period of 10 months, but as they sell two-year contracts, last 14 months of mining is your profit. With your payback will be a bit sooner. How to start cloud mining? First, join the cloud mining pool by simply buying shares online. You need to choose a plan, pay for it and you will start mining immediately after purchase. By signing Ethereum mining contract, your provider will take care of all mining tasks, maintenance, and upkeep while you just sit back and receive your share of mined coins. With Ethereum cloud mining services, there is no need for your mining computer, no need for high electricity bills, no dealing with software and installation trouble and no mining knowledge is required. Buying a cloud mining hash power takes care of all this for you. You will receive daily or weekly payouts to your Ethereum wallet address (it depends on the plan, but usually payouts are done daily). You need to pay in advance for hashing power and contracts often come in the form of a 1-year contract or unlimited (until mining with rented hardware is profitable). The only thing to keep eyes on is the current Ethereum value, so that you stay in profit and that you do not pay more for hashing power than you get out of Ethereum production. If you do not own a lot of hardware, we believe cloud mining is the best option to generate Ethereum as a digital currency. Cloud mining also allows users to form pools where their joint efforts are rewarded with greater income, compared to mining with individual hardware. We recommend Hashflare We want to give you a few more details about Ethereum mining plans (ETHASH). This is a real Ether mining plan, the fuel for the Ethereum project. As contracts last for a year, and there are no maintenance fees. You can purchase Ethereum mining contract by Bitcoin, wire transfer, credit card and alternative payment methods such as Webmoney and Payeer. They also have regular promotions, where their customers receive automatic upgrades or promo codes to have percentages added to their hashpower, or to have percentages off of their contract price. Watch your email after a signup (you may also use HF17PLUSBTC3 discount code for an immediate 3% discount). At Hashflare you can also mine Bitcoin and a few other crypto-coins. Save some money with when buying cloud mining services. Genesis mining and Hashflare promo codes / vouchers included. Cloud mining issues with Bitcoin You are probably aware that Bitcoin cloud mining had a few issues in the past. There were a lot of companies that were deceptive. They pretended to have mining facilities, often taking photos from other providers and claiming them as their own, but in reality, they did not own anything, and they just took your money. Cloud mining providers often disappeared with your Bitcoins (we already lost some money when we tested various cloud mining providers for our readers). Ethereum is newer altcoin, and there are only a few providers on the market so far. Ethereum market is more transparent compared to Bitcoin’s market. However, we have to be awake as scamming companies will appear sooner or later. Other Ethereum cloud mining providers Some are untested, please use at your own risk. • – they offer Ethereum Lifetime Contracts with weekly payouts. They own two data centers build up especially for the purpose of cryptocurrency mining. And since year 2015 they are offering mining contracts with a guaranteed return on investment. • – hashpower marketplace to buy or sell hashing power without contracts. • – owns 3 of China’s largest mining farms with low-cost electricity. It provides stable and profitable cloud mining services. Ethereum mining is done with PandaMiner B3 Plus. Update: back in stock [2017-11-08]. • – the first hashpower provider in France. • supports mining for Ethereum and advertises itself as the easiest, cheapest, and best way to mine it. You can mine and hash cryptocurrency with cloud mining, or you can use any CPU or GPU for any coin, SHA-256 or scrypt with immediate mining results. The good thing about Eobot is that sometimes you can pay with PayPal, but you will have to wait longer for your coins to arrive if you pay this way. Related • Our research on and not keep the profit for themselves might answer a few common questions. • Interested in? • Our overview. • & mining information. • Want to mine on your own, but not with your hardware? Guide to cloud Web services EC2. • has done a great job by comparing profitability of various mining plans. • If you are serious about Ethereum mining, you should often visit. • – new company, offering mostly 2-year proftable cloud mining contracts. Update on Crypterra: Looks like they are a scam, the website disappeared and SSL certificate was revoked. We were paid the last time on january 20, 2018. Before adding them to our website we did a lot of emailing with them and somehow they convinced us that they are a legit company. We also received regular payments. For more detalis you can contact us [2018-01-25]. Population growth, because it has already been reached by the USACE, it is not bitcoin cash predictions today careful. 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Translates totally free of charge. 8 Simple helper to use ansible with vagrant 8 An arandom assortment of random modules 8 A SQLAlchemy like ORM implementation for arangodb 8 A Python client for ArangoDB REST API. 8 Translates text files using the Google API through a command line or visual(Tk) interface. Also designed for translation of web2py language files, just put the path and the app do the rest! 8 The Ayn Random Number Generator favours certain numbers, because they are intrinsically better. 8 Backport of the python 3.X `range` class 8 Offical client library for the bangarang monitoring platform 8 Google translate, baidu translate service wrapper 8 Micrososft Translator API V2 for Python 8 Micrososft Translator API V2 for Python 8 Simple translatable multilevel menu system. 8 Boomerang.io Python API client 8 This is a library for connecting to Branch.io API Services. 8 Social media brand analytics 8 Broad probabilistic graphical models translator 8 Get All Cars Brand 8 Certbot plugin to authenticate using dns TXT records via Transip API 8 cloudmesh_vagrant - A real simple interface to virtualbox via vagrant 8 A python plugin for collectd to get stats from a runnning transmission server. Litecoin Mining Calculator. 8 Membrane integration for collective.contact content types 8 Video transcoding daemon 8 Recipe to setup a transcode daemon 8 Transcoding support for Plone video files, using collective.transcode.daemon 8 txt2tags transform for Plone 8 XHTML transitional Validator for collective.validator.base 8 Convert Docker Compose V2 to Rancher compatible Docker Compose V1 8 Convergent Random Walk Choice lib. 8 Crange is a tool to index and cross-reference C/C++ source code. 8 Fast random number generation. 8 Bi-directional Cyrillic transliteration. Transliterate Cyrillic script text to Roman alphabet text and vice versa. 8 Transforms provided input to an output, based on the transform. 8 Compress lists of integers to range objects 8 Dexterity content and behaviors to integrate with membrane. 8 A Django form field and widget wrapper for bootstrap-daterangepicker 8 Codenerix Transports is a module that enables CODENERIX to manage transports and let clients to request transport of packages with kwnown companies. 8 Allow to filter by a custom date range on the Django Admin 8 Django with AWS elastic transcoder 8 Django with AWS elastic transcoder 8 Is a django application that allows the translation of django templtes from the rendered html in the browser 8 The glue between django-modeltranslation and wagtail 8 Neue-Transmeta is an application for translatable content in Django's models. 8 Quranic models and helpers for use in Django projects 8 Django storage class that assigns random filenames to all stored files. 8 Enable SQL Window functions for use in Django queries. Add rank to your query. 8 Registers the Tag model for simple-translation and extends the Tag admin. 8 Transaction barriers for Django and Celery. 8 Transmeta is an application for translatable content in Django's models. 8 Transmeta is an application for translatable content in Django's models. 8 Transmeta is an application for translatable content in Django's models. 8 Make translating your django project easier. 8 Django date range form field 8 Check your Django translation files 8 Small Python library to translate text for free using the Google translate. 8 Plone product to transform XML into HTML using XSLT. 8 Translation with Google Translate API 8 A patch to Zope2's DateRangeIndexes to store data more efficiently 8 translation activate plugin for flake8 8 A python package implementing the strategy of business transaction in flask microservices developement 8 Float Range is a range-like generator for float numbers 8 Support of range() generator with floats. 8 Generate various kinds of ranges, either in whatever Python data type is appropriate or as a list of strings that retain all the various quirks of your start, stop and step arguments. 8 An extension for IPython that help to use Fortran in your interactive session. 8 A linter for Fortran files 8 Mimics Fortran textual IO in Python 8 The GUI application for ftransc 8 Mass export / import of translations into Google Docs Spreadsheets 8 A simple REPL Fortran utility 8 A simple wrapper to translate messages using Google Cloud Platform. 8 A tool for determining the health of branches in a git repository 8 To enable easy translation for python applications to use this package on from English to Indian languages, including a transliteration. 8 To enable easy translation for python applications to use this package on from English to Malayalam, including a transliteration. 8 To enable easy translation for python applications to use this package on from English to Tamil, including a transliteration. 8 Google Translate API reverse-engineered from chromium and google translate widget 8 Input package name, then find the google play ranking for you. 8 google translate api 8 Free Google Translate API for Python. Translates totally free of charge. 8 Free Google Translate API for Python. Translates totally free of charge. 8 Free Google Translate API for Python. Translates totally free of charge. 8 GrandCentral is an extremely basic publisher subscriber event library 8 library for use Google Translete 8 An unofficial python SDK for interacting with HackerRank for Work 8 Python client for HackerRank API 8 Transliteration of Hangul(Korean) to Roman writing system following Revised Romanization of Korean(2000). 8 Plugin to run vagrant as a hitch service. 8 Pseudo-randomize things in a way that feels human 8 Transliteration tools to convert text in one indic script encoding to another 8 Interana SDK 8 Implementa departamentos dentro de uma Intranet Modelo do Programa Interlegis 8 Intranet Modelo do Programa Interlegis. 8 A feature branch namer / Issue tracker manager 8 Yet another Python implementation of TextRank: package for the creation, manipulation, and study of TextRank algorithm based keywords extraction and summarisation 8 Transliterate [Hirag/Katak]ana to Latin/English and back. Convert half/full-width Japanese text. 8 Minimalistic Fortran kernel for Jupyter 8 Python transliteration library 8 LexRank text summarization 8 An autotranslation toolkit for.po files using Google Translate API. 8 A translation plugin to use with Lisa (Lightweight Improvable Software Assistant). 8 A simple mean, mode, median and range calculator. 8 Microsoft Translator V2 - Python API 8 Official Midtrans library 8 Modeltranslation is an utility to translate Django model fields. 8 Non-blocking Mongrel2 handler transceiver 8 transaction integration for Morepath 8 Microsoft(Bing) translate API for python3 8 Python wrapper to consume Microsoft translator API 8 Google translate console script with easy to use API 8 Convenience functions for multiple range-like objects 8 Arrange a dataset by rank of mulltiple attributes. 8 Randomness plugin for Nekbot, a modular multiprotocol bot. 8 A simple example of how to use collective.transmogrifier 8 Nose plugin to randomly order tests and control random.seed. 8 NTI Transactions Utility 8 twistranet - An Enterprise Social Network 8 France specific indirect taxation model for OpenFisca -- a versatile microsimulation free software 8 OpenRange provides a simple interface for building custom arithmetic progression objects. Quickly create range-like generators for any objects that can be represented numerically. 8 The OpenTranslink project aims to provide a simple pythonic interface to public data on translink.co.uk e.g. Timetables 8 hardware abstraction and shareable protocols for operant conditioning 8 Orange Bioinformatics add-on for Orange data mining software package. 8 Extends Orange to handle spectral and hyperspectral analysis. 8 Orange Model Maps (space of prediction models) add-on for Orange data mining software package. 8 Orange Multitarget add-on for Orange data mining software package. 8 Orange NMF add-on for Orange data mining software package. 8 Orange Reliability add-on for Orange data mining software package. 8 Extends Orange to handle spectral and hyperspectral analysis. 8 Orange Text Mining add-on for Orange data mining software package. 8 Textable add-on for Orange 2.7 data mining software package. 8 Orange add-on for mining frequent itemsets and association rules. 8 Orange3 add-on for Chemoinformatics. 8 Orange DataFusion add-on. 8 Orange interface for World Bank Data Indicator and Climate APIs 8 Orange Educational add-on for Orange data mining software package. 8 Orange add-on for dealing with geography and geo-location. 8 Orange3 add-on for image data mining. 8 Networks add-on for Orange 3 data mining software package. 8 Prototype Orange widgets — only for the brave. 8 Orange3 add-on for recommender systems 8 A series of Widgets for Orange3 to work with Spark ML 8 Orange3 TextMining add-on. 8 Textable add-on for Orange 3 data mining software package. 8 Additional widgets for the Textable add-on to Orange 3. 8 Orange3 add-on for exploring time series and sequential data. 8 Django app to add support for Orange API SMS-MO, SMS-MT/DR 8 An implementation of MARS algorithm for Orange. 8 Some useful script for Orangepi/Raspberrypi boards 8 python module for generating random numbers according to a given probability density function 8 Sklearn transformers that work with Pandas dataframes 8 DevRant wrapper in Python 8 Transformation registry and utilities. 8 Intranet suite for Plone 8 A Workspace implementation for ploneintranet 8 A clean, intranet theme for Plone 3.0 8 gettext PO files translate by Yandex translator 8 PO File translation with GoogleTranslate 8 Loosely translated Sanskrit word for 'Energy'. Just another interview challenge. 8 Plone module to add conversion from office format to HTML in portal_transforms tool 8 zope index to query a daterange on objects with a daterange 8 Translations for the osha project 8 MIME based content transformations 8 psycopg2 integration with transaction 8 An easy to use python driver for ArangoDB with built-in validation 8 Python parser and tools for working with the Franca interface definition language. 8 python binding for iOS automation using frank. 8 Heat Transfer Library v0.1 includes GUI and nacent materials database. 8 A probabilistic text-based language translator 8 A transaction-aware Celery job setup 8 a convenient Python lib for random.org 8 A simple lib for define a range 8 Pytest plugin to randomly order tests and control random.seed. 8 Python implimentation of TextRank for text document NLP parsing and summarization 8 Python Authorize Transaction Details Example 8 Library to get random ayah within quran including the translation. 8 Python bindings for interacting with Vagrant virtual machines. 8 Applies transformation to structures and writes new pdb file 8 Google Translate wrapper for Python. 8 PyTransliter is a text transliterator 8 transpose nested dict and list. 8 Parser to extract data from a Vagrantfile into a data struct readable by python 8 Image quadrant folding and unfolding. 8 A Python interface to the ANU Quantum Random Numbers Server 8 Arabic Quranic Corpus python API 8 A Buildout recipe for transforming data for the Raisin data warehouse 8 Rancher API Client 8 Python library for Rancher Metadata API 8 A python tool which adds Rancher services to Consul based on label selectors 8 BSP random map generator for randgen.io. 8 A BSP random map generator module for randgen.io 8 Core map tools for randgen.io map generators. 8 Generate a random MongoDB ObjectId. 8 Random aya generator 8 For generating attractive random colors 8 Random file and byte string generator. 8 Functions to randomize subjects in clinical trials. 8 A wrapper for the NIST randomness beacon, a source of true random numbers 8 Collection of functions to generate pseudo random values for emails, IP addresses. 8 Next-gen RandomState supporting multiple PRNGs 8 Creating (unsecure) sequences and generators of random numbers. 8 Python 3 Random Word Generator Library 8 Random password generator 8 Tiny set of utilities to generate random data 8 Create a random string. 8 Generate random Strings of defined length or words. 8 A dict with range as key 8 Python numeric range regular expression generator 8 Solving the Range Minimum Query problem 8 A Python package for the manipulation of Range objects 8 A package for flattening and consolidating multiple (potentially hierarchical) range sources (iterators over Range objects) 8 Python function that takes model data, obs data, and a boolean mask to generate a rank histogram. 8 determine page rankings from Google and Alexa 8 Rate Transformer 8 A simple project that provides methods for the return random data 8 Rss plugin for transmission with a web ui 8 Script for generating list of files paths in hierarchical order for correct 'Fortran'-files compilation. 8 Scrapy Middleware to set a random User-Agent for every Request. 8 Scrapy Middleware to set a random User-Agent for every Request. 8 Transclude content via. |
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